Three years and one day. This I cannot wrap my mind around, it feels like it was just yesterday. Continue reading
Another come and gone
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Tag Archives: suicide
Subconscious – Leading up to the 3rd death anniversary – Part 4
I was just at the American Association of Suicidology’s 50th Annual Conference in Phoenix, AZ this past week, where I had the honor to speak at twice (which is kind of a big deal for me). Yeah, that is a mouthful, you should have seen the faces of people on the plane when they asked what conference I was going to and speaking at. I digress, which I apologize ahead of time with this one, I am a little jet-lagged, which I will get to. Continue reading
Death – our only guarantee
As far back as I can remember, I thought about death. I remember as a teenager, there was once a disagreement in the house, and I yelled, this is stupid, you can’t leave mad, what if I walked outside, tripped on the curb, and broke my head open, how would you feel? Okay, maybe I was a bit dramatic as a teen… I also remember when Meet Joe Black came out, and after watching it, bawling my eyes out, I had one word, This. Death is the only guarantee we have in this life. Continue reading
Progress after a trauma?
I went to my shrink yesterday (yes, he is okay with me saying that). It had been awhile because of holidays, conflicting schedules and me seeing how I did with more time in between. That last part is a first, up to this point I have been going anywhere from two times a week to every other. At this point, he knows me pretty well after almost three years. I made a commitment to myself, my family and friends after Jesse and Bella died, to be brutally honest in where I was, so that I could survive. Continue reading
Letting go of control
Control by definition according to the handy dandy Merriam Webster is: 1. the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events; 2.determine the behavior or supervise the running of. I joke now that I thought of myself as a “control freak” before Jesse and Bella died, but now, it is on a whole new level. And not. Continue reading
Hope – a four letter word – Part 1
I realized something this past Sunday evening. No matter how many healthy habits, fun events, and amazing people I fill my life with, I cannot make my tragedy go away. Basically, I can’t run away from myself. I knew that. Really. However, you can’t blame me for continuing to try. Continue reading
Navigating the memories – aka – the never ending movie reel
It never stops. Well, there are pauses at times, much like when you are watching a movie at home and pause it to pee. But otherwise, it is a movie reel that goes continuously in your head. There are times it is louder, more clear, others a low hum in the background. Continue reading
New Ground Forged
I almost named this one anniversaries part 2. Jesse would have been 37 this past Saturday. I posted on my Facebook wall the day prior how much I hated anniversaries. Well, it may have said how much I fucking hated anniversaries, but details. I was with some friends the week prior, and one of my dearest was having her 50th birthday party this past Saturday. She and her husband both asked if I was coming. All I had to reply was that it was Jesse’s birthday, and they nodded, gave me a squeeze, knowing that I needed to be alone. Continue reading
A Sense of Purpose
Thomas Joiner, MD has an amazing book called “Why Do People Die by Suicide.” He proposes many theories on the why. People who die by suicide have a desire to die and have overcome the natural instinct we all have for self-preservation. With that desire, he found two things often occurred: there is a perception of being a burden to others and a social disconnect to something larger than oneself (a sense of isolation). Combine that with an acquired capacity, learned ability, or fearlessness, you have someone with a very elevated risk of suicide. Continue reading
Distractions 101
When one is faced with living with the mind numbing horrific trauma that I have seen, one learns to distract themselves.
At first, when everything is fresh, you walk around like a zombie (which after seeing dead bodies, you really don’t ever want to see a picture of a zombie or have to explain to someone why you cannot watch The Walking Dead). You do random things, like clean the kitchen, organize a box, pay bills. This is like the next day. Because you cannot sit still. Your brain is trying to wrap itself around what happened and it can’t, because it is so fucking unbelievable. A quote that I heard after was “you cannot make sense out of something that never will make sense” plays around, because we are mostly rational in our day to day. We want to understand, make sense of things. And this, this thing, you cannot. Continue reading