Tag Archives: strength

Dead Weight

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I spread Jesse’s ashes this past Saturday.  Well, that was the idea.  What actually happened was a series of metaphors that I cannot and still do not believe happened.

You see, I was ready.  I had been ready for about a year to do this, and really ready for about six months. There are a lot of reasons for this. It is such a complicated grief with him that I vacillated between honoring his wishes (which thankfully we talked about after we got married) and taking him out back, digging a hole, dumping him in, pooping on it, then calling it good. Yeah, I know, not one of my more glorious and compassionate thought processes. I figured being in the mostly anger stage of grief recently, I better get him out and honor his wishes. Another reason, in order to allow new energy to come in, you have to let go of old. That is another post for another day.  Let’s just say about six months ago, I got there. Continue reading →

Anniversaries

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I was asked awhile ago by someone if I would always be so affected by all these anniversaries.  I had no answer except “I don’t know.”

People respond differently of course to death.  After my mom died, the anniversary of her death was this point of reference in my summer that was daunting.  I lost her when I was eight months pregnant with Raffi, never got to say goodbye in person, and even though it was something I expected at some point (she was an alcoholic), I did not envision it when she was 61. The first anniversary I took the day off, went to the beach for the day to reflect and think.  It was my mom.  I loved and missed her, I wanted so much to share the things that were happening with my newborn, ask her the gazillion questions that I had, say I was sorry.  Until you become a parent, you cannot appreciate the flaws that you so readily criticized. Subsequent anniversaries it slowly got less daunting.  I think there was even a year that I may have gotten through the day without even realizing. It is not that I still don’t miss her. It is more a veil that is always there, thin like, that if I tap into, I can go there at any  point verses this day that is overwhelming. Continue reading →