I can count on one hand how many days since Jesse and Bella died in 2014 that I have had motivation and energy for an entire day. It actually astounds me that I have gotten as much done as I have. Continue reading
I really can’t blame it all on grief. It started with grad school, 3 1/2 years, all year round, and a 60 page masters thesis. I remember talking with a friend who graduated with me two years out, and she asked if I felt like my brain function was worse since grad school, to which I replied with a resounding YES! Then there were the children. With each one, I joked that the placenta and brain got mixed up on the way out. Yes, I know, gross. But seriously, true. Continue reading
I was asked awhile ago by someone if I would always be so affected by all these anniversaries. I had no answer except “I don’t know.”
People respond differently of course to death. After my mom died, the anniversary of her death was this point of reference in my summer that was daunting. I lost her when I was eight months pregnant with Raffi, never got to say goodbye in person, and even though it was something I expected at some point (she was an alcoholic), I did not envision it when she was 61. The first anniversary I took the day off, went to the beach for the day to reflect and think. It was my mom. I loved and missed her, I wanted so much to share the things that were happening with my newborn, ask her the gazillion questions that I had, say I was sorry. Until you become a parent, you cannot appreciate the flaws that you so readily criticized. Subsequent anniversaries it slowly got less daunting. I think there was even a year that I may have gotten through the day without even realizing. It is not that I still don’t miss her. It is more a veil that is always there, thin like, that if I tap into, I can go there at any point verses this day that is overwhelming. Continue reading