Progress after a trauma?

Posted on March 21, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

I went to my shrink yesterday (yes, he is okay with me saying that). It had been awhile because of holidays, conflicting schedules and me seeing how I did with more time in between. That last part is a first, up to this point I have been going anywhere from two times a week to every other. At this point, he knows me pretty well after almost three years. I made a commitment to myself, my family and friends after Jesse and Bella died, to be brutally honest in where I was, so that I could survive. Continue reading →

The dreaded visitor in the night – PTSD

Posted on February 21, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

The other day started out great and continued that way. We went to new seasons, got our Sunday breakfast, did the crossword together, then to the store for ingredients for dinner. Getting home, we geared up for a four mile run, which was invigorating. The rest of the day and evening was lovely and chill. I went to sleep happy and content. Then she came to me and the next 24 hours went to hell. You see, she rarely comes to me in dreams. As you have read prior, she is in that locked vault of denial preserving my sanity. Continue reading →

Trauma and the Inability to Focus

Posted on February 14, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

I have touched on this before, but wanted to again after this past weekend. Being a licensed acupuncturist, I am required to do a certain amount of continuing education to renew my license. All docs do. It is important to continue to learn and stay up to date with what is going on in the field. Plus, you can always learn something new. Continue reading →

Navigating the memories – aka – the never ending movie reel

Posted on February 7, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

It never stops. Well, there are pauses at times, much like when you are watching a movie at home and pause it to pee. But otherwise, it is a movie reel that goes continuously in your head. There are times it is louder, more clear, others a low hum in the background. Continue reading →

A Sense of Purpose

Posted on January 24, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

Thomas Joiner, MD has an amazing book called “Why Do People Die by Suicide.” He proposes many theories on the why. People who die by suicide have a desire to die and have overcome the natural instinct we all have for self-preservation. With that desire, he found two things often occurred: there is a perception of being a burden to others and a social disconnect to something larger than oneself (a sense of isolation). Combine that with an acquired capacity, learned ability, or fearlessness, you have someone with a very elevated risk of suicide. Continue reading →

Anxiety and Dating

Posted on January 3, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

Last week I wrote about anxiety and lack there of. I have learned, and some may call this morbid, that I can not count on one thing or another with myself to last too long in that department. The challenge with PTSD is it never goes away and has this intimate dance alongside of anxiety. I recently read the title of an article called “high functioning anxiety.” My response was a hmfph, I got me some of that. I don’t stop. Well, that is not true. I have taught myself to. It is of course “scheduled” down time, god forbid I just allow it, right?! One of the ways I “deal with/manage/live with” the running movie reel in my head is to do and distract. When the PTSD and anxiety is particularly bad, you can count on me to ramp things up on my to do list. Continue reading →

Anxiety. And the lack there of this week.

Posted on December 27, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

Bend. I have written about it before. I remember the first time Jesse took me out here, it was Thanksgiving. My “in-laws” lived in an area called the Old Mill District, which is near a shopping area, and downtown. Even though I barely knew them, the family was welcoming, warm, and so chill. A sense of relaxation came over my body that I was unfamiliar with. That has continued every trip since, and there have been quite a few over the past nine years. Continue reading →

The Vault – Where you put the grief for your child

Posted on December 20, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

I saw “Arrival” last night (if you have not seen it, there are some spoilers, not many, but some). My dear friend of course “prepared” me as much as possible, as she often does. Any time I am about to see a movie that she has seen that has potential triggers for me, she gives me a synopsis for which I am grateful. It does not mean I will not react, but at least there is some preparation, some walls that I can put around the over-reactive trauma that lurks in my brain, waiting to pounce at any given moment. Continue reading →

Pain. And grief/trauma/depression/PTSD.

Posted on December 13, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

There is a pain so utter that it swallows substance up
Then covers the abyss with trance—
So memory can step around—across—upon it
As one within a swoon goes safely where an open-eye would drop him—
—Bone by bone

~Emily Dickinson

To experience pain, one knows they are alive…I either came up with that or read it somewhere. Continue reading →

Christmas – After the Loss of a Child

Posted on December 6, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

Seven years, five months, fifteen days. That is how old she would be today. I usually don’t know that off the top of my head, unless it’s on the 21st (her birthday was June 21, 2009). However, it is something I can come up with rather quickly. Any parent who lost their child can. It’s a thing. Continue reading →

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