Snow and Memories

Posted on January 17, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

Portland, OR does not usually get a lot of snow. Last Tuesday into Wednesday it got a foot. You have to understand that two inches usually shuts the city down (yes, I know that is ridiculous). Raffi and I were going to NY on Thursday, and quite nervous about the ability to fly, but we managed to go and come back in the perfect windows as today we got ice, again (we got back late last night). Coming back to this still present winter wonderland got me thinking, reminiscing, and wistful a bit. Continue reading →

Grief has made me stupid

Posted on January 10, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

I really can’t blame it all on grief. It started with grad school, 3 1/2 years, all year round, and a 60 page masters thesis. I remember talking with a friend who graduated with me two years out, and she asked if I felt like my brain function was worse since grad school, to which I replied with a resounding YES! Then there were the children. With each one, I joked that the placenta and brain got mixed up on the way out. Yes, I know, gross. But seriously, true. Continue reading →

Anxiety. And the lack there of this week.

Posted on December 27, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

Bend. I have written about it before. I remember the first time Jesse took me out here, it was Thanksgiving. My “in-laws” lived in an area called the Old Mill District, which is near a shopping area, and downtown. Even though I barely knew them, the family was welcoming, warm, and so chill. A sense of relaxation came over my body that I was unfamiliar with. That has continued every trip since, and there have been quite a few over the past nine years. Continue reading →

The Vault – Where you put the grief for your child

Posted on December 20, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

I saw “Arrival” last night (if you have not seen it, there are some spoilers, not many, but some). My dear friend of course “prepared” me as much as possible, as she often does. Any time I am about to see a movie that she has seen that has potential triggers for me, she gives me a synopsis for which I am grateful. It does not mean I will not react, but at least there is some preparation, some walls that I can put around the over-reactive trauma that lurks in my brain, waiting to pounce at any given moment. Continue reading →

Pain. And grief/trauma/depression/PTSD.

Posted on December 13, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

There is a pain so utter that it swallows substance up
Then covers the abyss with trance—
So memory can step around—across—upon it
As one within a swoon goes safely where an open-eye would drop him—
—Bone by bone

~Emily Dickinson

To experience pain, one knows they are alive…I either came up with that or read it somewhere. Continue reading →

Christmas – After the Loss of a Child

Posted on December 6, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

Seven years, five months, fifteen days. That is how old she would be today. I usually don’t know that off the top of my head, unless it’s on the 21st (her birthday was June 21, 2009). However, it is something I can come up with rather quickly. Any parent who lost their child can. It’s a thing. Continue reading →

The Edge

Posted on November 29, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

I wrote this September 2, 2015 Continue reading →

Plus One

Posted on October 25, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

There was a time in my life when being alone was a scarce occurrence. After being married and having two young children, I craved the silence that occurs after everyone is finally asleep at night. Then it changed. It all changed. Continue reading →

Falling – A Mother’s grief for her child

Posted on October 18, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

From July 3 2016

The other night, I was open and vulnerable with someone, so hard to do intimately now, well, always, but especially now, in a more honest straight forward way.

Later on, I heard a Joni Mitchell song, “Both Sides Now.” It made me think of Bella. And just like that another layer flew off like a hummingbird taking flight. That layer, because there are so many, so distinct, left me on the floor, a place I am so intimate with in these moments with her. Continue reading →

Distractions 101

Posted on October 11, 2016 by Stephanie Willard

When one is faced with living with the mind numbing horrific trauma that I have seen, one learns to distract themselves.

At first, when everything is fresh, you walk around like a zombie (which after seeing dead bodies, you really don’t ever want to see a picture of a zombie or have to explain to someone why you cannot watch The Walking Dead). You do random things, like clean the kitchen, organize a box, pay bills. This is like the next day. Because you cannot sit still. Your brain is trying to wrap itself around what happened and it can’t, because it is so fucking unbelievable. A quote that I heard after was “you cannot make sense out of something that never will make sense” plays around, because we are mostly rational in our day to day. We want to understand, make sense of things. And this, this thing, you cannot. Continue reading →

Life's New Normal

The Journey

Tag Archives: grief