Facebook memories. I have mentioned before I have a love/hate relationship with them. They give me snapshots of the kids through the years, of a life so full of vibrancy and energy, a life with two of them, not just one. Albeit the love/hate. Continue reading
Thursdays. They have not bothered me in a long time, however, last Thursday did. Jesse and Maribella died on a Thursday. For a really long time, much like one does with a newborn (oh, they are blank weeks old), it was, oh, it has been blank weeks since they have been gone. It was a welcome relief when my subconscious gave me a break on that. Continue reading
The other day, I came across a Facebook memory of Bella, a quote that embodies her personality, “everyday is my favorite day but Saturday is my best best day.” It was from April 8, 2014. I explained that over the next month, any Facebook memory from 2014 captures the last month my daughter was alive. It is bittersweet and fucked up at the same time when you think of it like that. Continue reading
I went to my shrink yesterday (yes, he is okay with me saying that). It had been awhile because of holidays, conflicting schedules and me seeing how I did with more time in between. That last part is a first, up to this point I have been going anywhere from two times a week to every other. At this point, he knows me pretty well after almost three years. I made a commitment to myself, my family and friends after Jesse and Bella died, to be brutally honest in where I was, so that I could survive. Continue reading
Control by definition according to the handy dandy Merriam Webster is: 1. the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events; 2.determine the behavior or supervise the running of. I joke now that I thought of myself as a “control freak” before Jesse and Bella died, but now, it is on a whole new level. And not. Continue reading
I realized something this past Sunday evening. No matter how many healthy habits, fun events, and amazing people I fill my life with, I cannot make my tragedy go away. Basically, I can’t run away from myself. I knew that. Really. However, you can’t blame me for continuing to try. Continue reading
As you read last week readers, I had a rough few days. The “aftershocks” lasted until Thursday, where I felt somewhat normal, not constantly worried of being hi-jacked by a debilitating flashback. Normal is such a funny word after what I experienced. I guess that is why I named my blog Life’s New Normal. Continue reading
The other day started out great and continued that way. We went to new seasons, got our Sunday breakfast, did the crossword together, then to the store for ingredients for dinner. Getting home, we geared up for a four mile run, which was invigorating. The rest of the day and evening was lovely and chill. I went to sleep happy and content. Then she came to me and the next 24 hours went to hell. You see, she rarely comes to me in dreams. As you have read prior, she is in that locked vault of denial preserving my sanity. Continue reading
I have touched on this before, but wanted to again after this past weekend. Being a licensed acupuncturist, I am required to do a certain amount of continuing education to renew my license. All docs do. It is important to continue to learn and stay up to date with what is going on in the field. Plus, you can always learn something new. Continue reading
I almost named this one anniversaries part 2. Jesse would have been 37 this past Saturday. I posted on my Facebook wall the day prior how much I hated anniversaries. Well, it may have said how much I fucking hated anniversaries, but details. I was with some friends the week prior, and one of my dearest was having her 50th birthday party this past Saturday. She and her husband both asked if I was coming. All I had to reply was that it was Jesse’s birthday, and they nodded, gave me a squeeze, knowing that I needed to be alone. Continue reading