Control by definition according to the handy dandy Merriam Webster is: 1. the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events; 2.determine the behavior or supervise the running of. I joke now that I thought of myself as a “control freak” before Jesse and Bella died, but now, it is on a whole new level. And not. Continue reading
I have touched on this before, but wanted to again after this past weekend. Being a licensed acupuncturist, I am required to do a certain amount of continuing education to renew my license. All docs do. It is important to continue to learn and stay up to date with what is going on in the field. Plus, you can always learn something new. Continue reading
It never stops. Well, there are pauses at times, much like when you are watching a movie at home and pause it to pee. But otherwise, it is a movie reel that goes continuously in your head. There are times it is louder, more clear, others a low hum in the background. Continue reading
As I sat in the coffee shop that I normally write in, I pondered what to share today. Usually it comes to me on my morning run, but today, it did not, I was preoccupied with the election. The sky is one of those brilliant blues that have been rare here lately, so I was gazing outside lost in the birds flitting around, the contrast of the trees against this bright backdrop pondering the importance of today, being election day, and the angst among the people leading up to and including today. I am actually less anxious about the actual results today, but what weighs heavily in my mind is the rift that has happened in our country. Continue reading
It used to be one of my favorite holidays. I have memories of my dad going upstate and getting my mom some of the biggest pumpkins ever. She would take so much joy intricately carving those, decorating the house, buying a new “creepy” thing each year to add to her collection. She reveled in each of the costumed children that came to the door, particularly the littles. One of the things I “got” from her was a love of this day. Jesse loved it as well. For many years, we were the creepiest house on the block by far. Continue reading
From July 3 2016
The other night, I was open and vulnerable with someone, so hard to do intimately now, well, always, but especially now, in a more honest straight forward way.
Later on, I heard a Joni Mitchell song, “Both Sides Now.” It made me think of Bella. And just like that another layer flew off like a hummingbird taking flight. That layer, because there are so many, so distinct, left me on the floor, a place I am so intimate with in these moments with her. Continue reading
I was asked awhile ago by someone if I would always be so affected by all these anniversaries. I had no answer except “I don’t know.”
People respond differently of course to death. After my mom died, the anniversary of her death was this point of reference in my summer that was daunting. I lost her when I was eight months pregnant with Raffi, never got to say goodbye in person, and even though it was something I expected at some point (she was an alcoholic), I did not envision it when she was 61. The first anniversary I took the day off, went to the beach for the day to reflect and think. It was my mom. I loved and missed her, I wanted so much to share the things that were happening with my newborn, ask her the gazillion questions that I had, say I was sorry. Until you become a parent, you cannot appreciate the flaws that you so readily criticized. Subsequent anniversaries it slowly got less daunting. I think there was even a year that I may have gotten through the day without even realizing. It is not that I still don’t miss her. It is more a veil that is always there, thin like, that if I tap into, I can go there at any point verses this day that is overwhelming. Continue reading