Let me be clear. Before Jesse and Bella died, I cried at Disney movies. Now, it’s at a new level. I keep trying. I really do. I keep thinking, maybe, maybe this time it won’t be as intense. If I stop trying, then I stop living. And we can’t have that, can we? Continue reading
This is a tough and vulnerable one for me to talk about. Trust is a big one for a lot of people, and my “baggage” goes back pretty far, again, like so many others, but the tragedy compounded things a million fold. Continue reading
I just started watching Season 3 of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt recently. I don’t know if it is that I have a different perspective now or what, but it has gotten me to thinking about things. Continue reading
This past Sunday was Mother’s Day.
Jesse killed Bella then himself on May 8, 2014, three days before Mother’s Day that year. Raffi wanted to go to a park where her circus teacher was doing demonstrations. I of course said yes, as I was trying to do anything to give her some joy after having to tell her what happened two days prior. But as I walked into that park on that sunny day, in shock, dazed, and numb, I saw probably every four year old dirty blonde, curly haired girl in all of Portland. Of course. I then swore off Mother’s Day. Continue reading
Three years and one day. This I cannot wrap my mind around, it feels like it was just yesterday. Continue reading
Facebook memories. I have mentioned before I have a love/hate relationship with them. They give me snapshots of the kids through the years, of a life so full of vibrancy and energy, a life with two of them, not just one. Albeit the love/hate. Continue reading
Thursdays. They have not bothered me in a long time, however, last Thursday did. Jesse and Maribella died on a Thursday. For a really long time, much like one does with a newborn (oh, they are blank weeks old), it was, oh, it has been blank weeks since they have been gone. It was a welcome relief when my subconscious gave me a break on that. Continue reading
The other day, I came across a Facebook memory of Bella, a quote that embodies her personality, “everyday is my favorite day but Saturday is my best best day.” It was from April 8, 2014. I explained that over the next month, any Facebook memory from 2014 captures the last month my daughter was alive. It is bittersweet and fucked up at the same time when you think of it like that. Continue reading
As far back as I can remember, I thought about death. I remember as a teenager, there was once a disagreement in the house, and I yelled, this is stupid, you can’t leave mad, what if I walked outside, tripped on the curb, and broke my head open, how would you feel? Okay, maybe I was a bit dramatic as a teen… I also remember when Meet Joe Black came out, and after watching it, bawling my eyes out, I had one word, This. Death is the only guarantee we have in this life. Continue reading
I went to my shrink yesterday (yes, he is okay with me saying that). It had been awhile because of holidays, conflicting schedules and me seeing how I did with more time in between. That last part is a first, up to this point I have been going anywhere from two times a week to every other. At this point, he knows me pretty well after almost three years. I made a commitment to myself, my family and friends after Jesse and Bella died, to be brutally honest in where I was, so that I could survive. Continue reading