Thursdays. They have not bothered me in a long time, however, last Thursday did. Jesse and Maribella died on a Thursday. For a really long time, much like one does with a newborn (oh, they are blank weeks old), it was, oh, it has been blank weeks since they have been gone. It was a welcome relief when my subconscious gave me a break on that. Continue reading
I am learning to ski, which as an adult, can be hard. I realize the benefits of learning this young, when one does not have fear. I remember when the kids were young and them doing things blindly, that I would never attempt. I also think they are made of rubber at that age, so when they do fall, they just bounce right back up. I skied once ten years ago when dating a skier, who brought me up, showed me a couple of things, then brought me up on a lift. Let’s just say it did not end well, as one can imagine. This past Sunday, on the way home from Bend, we stopped at Mt. Hood Meadows where I took lesson number two. Continue reading
I went to my shrink yesterday (yes, he is okay with me saying that). It had been awhile because of holidays, conflicting schedules and me seeing how I did with more time in between. That last part is a first, up to this point I have been going anywhere from two times a week to every other. At this point, he knows me pretty well after almost three years. I made a commitment to myself, my family and friends after Jesse and Bella died, to be brutally honest in where I was, so that I could survive. Continue reading
I realized something this past Sunday evening. No matter how many healthy habits, fun events, and amazing people I fill my life with, I cannot make my tragedy go away. Basically, I can’t run away from myself. I knew that. Really. However, you can’t blame me for continuing to try. Continue reading
Thomas Joiner, MD has an amazing book called “Why Do People Die by Suicide.” He proposes many theories on the why. People who die by suicide have a desire to die and have overcome the natural instinct we all have for self-preservation. With that desire, he found two things often occurred: there is a perception of being a burden to others and a social disconnect to something larger than oneself (a sense of isolation). Combine that with an acquired capacity, learned ability, or fearlessness, you have someone with a very elevated risk of suicide. Continue reading
Last week I wrote about anxiety and lack there of. I have learned, and some may call this morbid, that I can not count on one thing or another with myself to last too long in that department. The challenge with PTSD is it never goes away and has this intimate dance alongside of anxiety. I recently read the title of an article called “high functioning anxiety.” My response was a hmfph, I got me some of that. I don’t stop. Well, that is not true. I have taught myself to. It is of course “scheduled” down time, god forbid I just allow it, right?! One of the ways I “deal with/manage/live with” the running movie reel in my head is to do and distract. When the PTSD and anxiety is particularly bad, you can count on me to ramp things up on my to do list. Continue reading
Bend. I have written about it before. I remember the first time Jesse took me out here, it was Thanksgiving. My “in-laws” lived in an area called the Old Mill District, which is near a shopping area, and downtown. Even though I barely knew them, the family was welcoming, warm, and so chill. A sense of relaxation came over my body that I was unfamiliar with. That has continued every trip since, and there have been quite a few over the past nine years. Continue reading
Seven years, five months, fifteen days. That is how old she would be today. I usually don’t know that off the top of my head, unless it’s on the 21st (her birthday was June 21, 2009). However, it is something I can come up with rather quickly. Any parent who lost their child can. It’s a thing. Continue reading
I wrote this September 2, 2015 Continue reading
I feel. So fucking much. All the time. And I so wish I didn’t. Because it really fucking hurts sometimes. And I gotta say, I am really fucking sick and tired of my heart hurting. I wish sometimes I was not that which I am. But try as I might, I cannot be anything else. Continue reading