Functional and F*cked up – it’s both

Posted on July 11, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

Sometimes I wonder if I just left it at the title? Continue reading →

PTSD and the 4th of July

Posted on July 4, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

I remember three years ago, I had just closed on my house, and my brother in law was helping me paint before we moved everything in. It was the 4th of July and we were working into the night trying to get Raffi’s room done so that she would feel more “at home” after everything that had happened. I remember vividly the first explosions of the night as dusk fell. My heart started to pound frantically in my chest and I had my first real instance of what PTSD was. Continue reading →

Birthday Reflections

Posted on June 27, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

It has been a week of birthdays. Last Wednesday was Maribella’s birthday, she would have been eight. Mine was yesterday. Continue reading →

Dear Parent of a Blonde Curly Haired Girl either almost five or almost eight- Part 2

Posted on June 20, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

Dear Parent,

It has been awhile since I last wrote. I felt compelled to write as this Wednesday would have been my sweet girls 8th birthday, and I know I my gaze has lingered longer than usual again. I know it must be weird for you for this woman to be staring at your little girl, and believe me I understand, I would also take notice. But please forgive me as I miss her so… Continue reading →

Joy – For reals

Posted on June 13, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

We won’t touch on how I am feeling today, which is so exhausted I am pretty useless. Instead, the moments from my weekend, which was peppered with pure joy. This is unheard of so close to my sweet girls birthday… Continue reading →

F*!#@ing Disney Movies

Posted on June 6, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

Let me be clear. Before Jesse and Bella died, I cried at Disney movies. Now, it’s at a new level. I keep trying. I really do. I keep thinking, maybe, maybe this time it won’t be as intense. If I stop trying, then I stop living. And we can’t have that, can we? Continue reading →

Trust after tragedy

Posted on May 30, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

This is a tough and vulnerable one for me to talk about. Trust is a big one for a lot of people, and my “baggage” goes back pretty far, again, like so many others, but the tragedy compounded things a million fold. Continue reading →

“That’s gonna be uhhh you know uhhh fascinating transition”

Posted on May 23, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

I just started watching Season 3 of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt recently. I don’t know if it is that I have a different perspective now or what, but it has gotten me to thinking about things. Continue reading →

Mother’s Day – Not for everyone

Posted on May 16, 2017 by Stephanie Willard

This past Sunday was Mother’s Day.

Jesse killed Bella then himself on May 8, 2014, three days before Mother’s Day that year. Raffi wanted to go to a park where her circus teacher was doing demonstrations. I of course said yes, as I was trying to do anything to give her some joy after having to tell her what happened two days prior. But as I walked into that park on that sunny day, in shock, dazed, and numb, I saw probably every four year old dirty blonde, curly haired girl in all of Portland. Of course. I then swore off Mother’s Day. Continue reading →