The dreaded visitor in the night – PTSD

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The other day started out great and continued that way. We went to new seasons, got our Sunday breakfast, did the crossword together, then to the store for ingredients for dinner. Getting home, we geared up for a four mile run, which was invigorating. The rest of the day and evening was lovely and chill. I went to sleep happy and content. Then she came to me and the next 24 hours went to hell. You see, she rarely comes to me in dreams. As you have read prior, she is in that locked vault of denial preserving my sanity. Continue reading →

Trauma and the Inability to Focus

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I have touched on this before, but wanted to again after this past weekend.  Being a licensed acupuncturist, I am required to do a certain amount of continuing education to renew my license.  All docs do.  It is important to continue to learn and stay up to date with what is going on in the field. Plus, you can always learn something new. Continue reading →

Navigating the memories – aka – the never ending movie reel

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It never stops. Well, there are pauses at times, much like when you are watching a movie at home and pause it to pee. But otherwise, it is a movie reel that goes continuously in your head. There are times it is louder, more clear, others a low hum in the background.  Continue reading →

New Ground Forged

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I almost named this one anniversaries part 2.  Jesse would have been 37 this past Saturday. I posted on my Facebook wall the day prior how much I hated anniversaries. Well, it may have said how much I fucking hated anniversaries, but details. I was with some friends the week prior,  and one of my dearest was having her 50th birthday party this past Saturday. She and her husband both asked if I was coming.  All I had to reply was that it was Jesse’s birthday, and they nodded, gave me a squeeze, knowing that I needed to be alone. Continue reading →

A Sense of Purpose

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Thomas Joiner, MD has an amazing book called “Why Do People Die by Suicide.” He proposes many theories on the why.  People who die by suicide have a desire to die and have overcome the natural instinct we all have for self-preservation.  With that desire, he found two things often occurred:  there is a perception of being a burden to others and a social disconnect to something larger than oneself (a sense of isolation). Combine that with an acquired capacity, learned ability, or fearlessness, you have someone with a very elevated risk of suicide.  Continue reading →

Snow and Memories

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Portland, OR does not usually get a lot of snow. Last Tuesday into Wednesday it got a foot.  You have to understand that two inches usually shuts the city down (yes, I know that is ridiculous). Raffi and I were going to NY on Thursday, and quite nervous about the ability to fly, but we managed to go and come back in the perfect windows as today we got ice, again (we got back late last night). Coming back to this still present winter wonderland got me thinking, reminiscing, and wistful a bit. Continue reading →

Grief has made me stupid

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I really can’t blame it all on grief.  It started with grad school, 3 1/2 years, all year round, and a 60 page masters thesis.  I remember talking with a friend who graduated with me two years out, and she asked if I felt like my brain function was worse since grad school, to which I replied with a resounding YES!  Then there were the children.  With each one, I joked that the placenta and brain got mixed up on the way out. Yes, I know, gross.  But seriously, true. Continue reading →

Anxiety and Dating

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Last week I wrote about anxiety and lack there of. I have learned, and some may call this morbid, that I can not count on one thing or another with myself to last too long in that department.  The challenge with PTSD is it never goes away and has this intimate dance alongside of anxiety. I recently read the title of an article called “high functioning anxiety.”  My response was a hmfph, I got me some of that. I don’t stop. Well, that is not true.  I have taught myself to.  It is of course “scheduled” down time, god forbid I just allow it, right?! One of the ways I “deal with/manage/live with” the running movie reel in my head is to do and distract. When the PTSD and anxiety is particularly bad, you can count on me to ramp things up on my to do list. Continue reading →

Anxiety. And the lack there of this week.

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Bend. I have written about it before. I remember the first time Jesse took me out here, it was Thanksgiving. My “in-laws” lived in an area called the Old Mill District, which is near a shopping area, and downtown.  Even though I barely knew them, the family was welcoming, warm, and so chill. A sense of relaxation came over my body that I was unfamiliar with.  That has continued every trip since, and there have been quite a few over the past nine years. Continue reading →

The Vault – Where you put the grief for your child

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I saw “Arrival” last night (if you have not seen it, there are some spoilers, not many, but some). My dear friend of course “prepared” me as much as possible, as she often does.  Any time I am about to see a movie that she has seen that has potential triggers for me, she gives me a synopsis for which I am grateful. It does not mean I will not react, but at least there is some preparation, some walls that I can put around the over-reactive trauma that lurks in my brain, waiting to pounce at any given moment. Continue reading →