I was just at the American Association of Suicidology’s 50th Annual Conference in Phoenix, AZ this past week, where I had the honor to speak at twice (which is kind of a big deal for me). Yeah, that is a mouthful, you should have seen the faces of people on the plane when they asked what conference I was going to and speaking at. I digress, which I apologize ahead of time with this one, I am a little jet-lagged, which I will get to. Continue reading
Subconscious – Leading up to the 3rd death anniversary – Part 3
Facebook memories. I have mentioned before I have a love/hate relationship with them. They give me snapshots of the kids through the years, of a life so full of vibrancy and energy, a life with two of them, not just one. Albeit the love/hate. Continue reading
Subconscious – Leading up to the 3rd death anniversary – Part 2
Thursdays. They have not bothered me in a long time, however, last Thursday did. Jesse and Maribella died on a Thursday. For a really long time, much like one does with a newborn (oh, they are blank weeks old), it was, oh, it has been blank weeks since they have been gone. It was a welcome relief when my subconscious gave me a break on that. Continue reading
Subconscious – Leading up to the 3rd death anniversary – Part 1
The other day, I came across a Facebook memory of Bella, a quote that embodies her personality, “everyday is my favorite day but Saturday is my best best day.” It was from April 8, 2014. I explained that over the next month, any Facebook memory from 2014 captures the last month my daughter was alive. It is bittersweet and fucked up at the same time when you think of it like that. Continue reading
Death – our only guarantee
As far back as I can remember, I thought about death. I remember as a teenager, there was once a disagreement in the house, and I yelled, this is stupid, you can’t leave mad, what if I walked outside, tripped on the curb, and broke my head open, how would you feel? Okay, maybe I was a bit dramatic as a teen… I also remember when Meet Joe Black came out, and after watching it, bawling my eyes out, I had one word, This. Death is the only guarantee we have in this life. Continue reading
Learning to ski in a whiteout is not good for someone who has anxiety
I am learning to ski, which as an adult, can be hard. I realize the benefits of learning this young, when one does not have fear. I remember when the kids were young and them doing things blindly, that I would never attempt. I also think they are made of rubber at that age, so when they do fall, they just bounce right back up. I skied once ten years ago when dating a skier, who brought me up, showed me a couple of things, then brought me up on a lift. Let’s just say it did not end well, as one can imagine. This past Sunday, on the way home from Bend, we stopped at Mt. Hood Meadows where I took lesson number two. Continue reading
Progress after a trauma?
I went to my shrink yesterday (yes, he is okay with me saying that). It had been awhile because of holidays, conflicting schedules and me seeing how I did with more time in between. That last part is a first, up to this point I have been going anywhere from two times a week to every other. At this point, he knows me pretty well after almost three years. I made a commitment to myself, my family and friends after Jesse and Bella died, to be brutally honest in where I was, so that I could survive. Continue reading
Letting go of control
Control by definition according to the handy dandy Merriam Webster is: 1. the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events; 2.determine the behavior or supervise the running of. I joke now that I thought of myself as a “control freak” before Jesse and Bella died, but now, it is on a whole new level. And not. Continue reading
Hope – a four letter word – Part 1
I realized something this past Sunday evening. No matter how many healthy habits, fun events, and amazing people I fill my life with, I cannot make my tragedy go away. Basically, I can’t run away from myself. I knew that. Really. However, you can’t blame me for continuing to try. Continue reading
What not to say to someone who has experienced trauma and loss
As you read last week readers, I had a rough few days. The “aftershocks” lasted until Thursday, where I felt somewhat normal, not constantly worried of being hi-jacked by a debilitating flashback. Normal is such a funny word after what I experienced. I guess that is why I named my blog Life’s New Normal. Continue reading