You have all heard the expression, you are your own worst enemy. I have always been that, but since Jesse and Bella died, at times, it is exponentially worse.

As I have shared previously, depression has not been an unknown for me in my life, I have had periods where I struggled immensely with it. Never though, did I deal with the levels of that, plus the addition of PTSD and anxiety since May 8, 2014. I think one of the most challenging things is that I know too much medically and therapeutically, and I am even harder on myself.

Example. There was a possibility of me travelling to visit family this weekend, just me. After literally just finding out yesterday I could go (as I thought I was going to have to take Oli to an appointment this Saturday, which would have nixed it), I hemmed and hawed. It is not that I did not want to go, but I didn’t want to make the drive. I wanted the ruby slippers magic trick that would get me there after clicking my heels three times. I then went into my head. I have been struggling over the past few months with my depression. It has been more present at times, I think because it was the 5th anniversary, would have been Bella’s 10th birthday, etc. I have been watching it closely so not to fall too deep in the rabbit hole. So, when I found myself making excuses on not going this weekend, I immediately grasped onto, oh, this must be the depression getting worse, I am doing the avoidance thing. Then I went into all the negative thought patterns associated with that. Those are real fun. Like a root canal kind of fun.

Let me tell you the reality after doing some handy CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) on myself, plus confirming with my shrink this morning. The reality is this, I had just traveled two weeks ago for my talk, plus a busy patient load on either end of that talk. I have been doing a lot of back and forth to Portland, where somehow, the traffic is even worse than normal, which is impressive. I am not indeed “avoiding” things. If you look at my calendar, there is a healthy, sorta, balance of work, spending time with friends, to-do items, and fun things that are out of the house (I even saw my first Drag Queen show with some friends!). I am dealing with something personal re Oli that is taking up so much brain space and time, research, and annoyance out of my control regarding moving forward, that in itself is exhausting. Plus, there was a lot of last minute stuff getting ready for the first day of school today. So. What is the reality? I am sick of driving places right now. I am indeed not holing up and avoiding people and life. I have things that are out of my control that I am trying to navigate. And, it was my kids first day of high school today, and I want to be around this weekend in case I need to do anything that comes up for him.

But depression does that. It makes you doubt everything, including yourself. I am constantly asking myself, is this normal? Is this depression? Anxiety? Did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Am I over-reacting (that is a big one for me), or is this a “normal” reaction. If I am tired, is it because I am depressed? Or is it normal? I am often walking my thought process through CBT, seeing what is normal. Add the constant being on alert for potential triggers that can set off the PTSD, and leftover flight and fight stuff from the trauma, I am slowly, very slowly learning to be a bit easier on myself. It continues to be a journey, part of the new normal that isn’t so new anymore, and I am grateful as always of the friends and family that have patience while I navigate.