It is completely surreal to me that it has been this long…
Tomorrow, I will be on my way to Canada, for what I now call, my get the hell out of Portland for the anniversary trip. I wonder if there will be a time when I don’t go? I cannot imagine it will be in the near future.
This past week I have been completely numb. Disturbingly so. Pictures of Bella and Jesse have come and gone via Facebook memories, and I feel nothing. I am quite familiar with disassociation at this point, it is the coping mechanism that has kept me sane and alive. I won’t lie though, it is unsettling at times, especially right now. I feel like I am walking through a mist, or fog of sorts, the outlines of life a bit fuzzy, creating a feeling within much the same. I go through the day expecting the bottom to drop out at any time, and it hasn’t. I feel nothing.
Five years ago, on May 8th, my sweet girl, we had a great morning. It was a Thursday, and we had our annual pictures at Picture People set for Saturday. You would be standing next to the number five, and you were so excited. I had gone up to the attic to get all the 5T clothes down to see what “pretty dress” you would wear that day. Every time I went to the attic, you would be bouncing up and down as it was like getting a whole new wardrobe. I got them all down and said we would change out your closet tomorrow. Then, we got a snack and played a game of scrabble. You won, and were so pleased with yourself. After, your daddy got home and I gave you a big hug, I told you I loved you, and you gave me a big squish hug goodbye, and said I love you mommy, have a good day at work. That was the last time I held you alive sweet girl. If I would have known…
Jesse, five years ago, we had a heated discussion that morning. Not really a fight per se, but more of a pleading from me. You had not picked up Oli from school the previous day, and I was scared and furious, as that had not ever happened, you had fallen asleep with a headache. There are so many levels that I was upset over, but scared was the primary feeling. That morning, as I was still processing, I said, we need more help for you, we have to figure out what’s going on, get other opinions. I was not in a lovey dovey mood and said, let’s talk more about this later. I told you how much I loved you, and that I thought it was time for us to work on us as well. You agreed with it all. You went to your psychiatrist that morning, and when you got back, it was time for me to go to work. I was running late, and remember you standing on the stairwell, along with Bella, you had a strange look on your face, but I did not read too far into it, especially after our talk that morning. I said I love you, see you later. If I would have known…
Five years ago, my heart broke in a way that is irreparable. My brain and body changed literally with what I saw when I came home that night. I am intimate with anxiety, depression, and PTSD that has become part of my fabric. My grief has a complexity that I would not wish on my worst enemy.
Five years ago, I thought I would not make it though the night. How could I possibly survive, my heart surely would give out from this, right? Yet, from the depths of my soul, I pulled an inner strength to live, to live for Oli. He could not lose me too. That anchor to live has evolved over time, yet the grief and heartbreak is always there. I learned joy again over these past five years, much to my surprise. I have learned to hold both, the grief and joy. But damn, I still can’t believe it has been five fucking years 🙁
