Dear one, if you only knew and believed how much I love you

I watch you daily
struggle
on the roller coaster of life
yet yours
has highs and lows
unique;
being a teen is hard enough,
coming out as trans
so brave
trying to be in your body
and in the world
dysphoria daily
along with your past
crashing in
stuff with your dad
and
daddy and Bella
-that-
elephant in the room
that you dance around
not wanting to touch
emotions your enemy
feeling 
for the first time
such intensity
struggling
to focus
to feel good
to fit in
to be happy;
I want to shake you
shake you so hard
make you believe
how much you are loved 
cherished
how beautiful and amazing you are
how talented,smart and strong
loved by so many
and
truly understanding
those demons
those lying bastards
within your mind
weaving a story of lies
that you are believing
showing a face to us
another to the world
so much like Jesse
I am sick to my stomach
with worry
a friends words resonating
is this the night
I want to tell you
how scared I am
yet I can't
I have to be strong
and yet, as strong as I am
I am not
I feel like crumbling
triggers constant in my face
trying not to layer you with the
past actions
fearing the worst
constantly
wondering
am I going to walk in 
on
another
dead child
will the 
dirty lying bastards
in your brain
win
the energy coursing 
through my body
not enough miles I can run
to push it through
make it better
for you
having to trust
knowing we are doing 
everything we can
asking the questions
having the 
conversations;
hoping 
you will believe
that you are
strong enough
that the lies are lies
and believe
that treatment 
can and will help;
that you will believe
we all
want 
you 
to 
stay

I could stare at you for hours                    November 2014 – Crater Lake, Oregon