Warning: This may be triggering as it has some details of a murder/suicide death

Dear Press, Media outlets, and Journalists,

On May 8, 2014, my late husband Jesse shot and killed our four year old daughter, Maribella, then himself. I found them shortly after. This is not something anyone should ever have to see, feel, or experience. Since that fateful day, my mind replays over and over what I found that night, details that no mind can wrap itself around, yet is as vivid four years later as it was then. My life and heart shattered that day.

Jesse was a loving father, an amazing parent, husband, brother, and friend. He was the one people called when they needed a shoulder, a pep talk, advice, or help. He broke that day. He had had a debilitating car accident a year prior leaving him unable to do his self care routines that held depression at bay. And after having his first manic episode because of prescribed medication withdrawals, he then had a diagnosis of Biopolar 1 on top of the pain he was dealing with.

We, as a society do not know enough about the warning signs of suicide. We know the signs of a heart attack, of diabetes, and many other diseases. We know to get immediate help. We don’t worry about the stigma if we are having chest pains. We go to the hospital. If I only knew then what I know now.

I had to do something after they died. I could not let it be in vain. I had this pain, this grief, that I needed to channel. Since then, I have not only attempted to learn to live again, I have delved into advocacy work in the suicide prevention field, sharing my story with others not only to educate on murder/suicide, but to help others not feel alone. This has not been easy, as I have learned many things that if I knew then, I would have done differently, and they would be alive. Often times, people say, I didn’t know, I never thought they would do this, etc.  Instead, we are part of a group we don’t want to be. We are left wondering, full of a myriad of emotions that assault us on a daily basis.  If you found the person, you have those flashbacks that run through. Your system is in a fight or flight mode that may be stuck, as is mine. You deal with anxiety and PTSD that can hi-jack you at any moment.

The times it does dear reporters, is when someone famous dies by suicide. Did you read that, dies by, not commits suicide. Lets start there.  I will keep it simple, as there are so many different explanations out there.  You don’t commit dying by cancer, do you? You fight it. The people who die by suicide do not want to die, they just want the pain to stop, and do not see any other options in that moment. I have felt this feeling often, especially around the grief of my daughter. I liken it to being down the rabbit hole, and the light getting smaller and smaller, the walls closing in around me, my options diminishing. I don’t want to be in that rabbit hole, but the pain, I want that to stop at any cost. So, let’s work at changing that terminology.

The second and last thing I will point out as a survivor. I don’t need nor want to read the details. It is sensationalism, it is not necessary, and it brings Jesse’s and Maribella’s death back to the forefront of my mind. It also can push the people thinking and struggling with suicidal thoughts to that edge, hey, if that famous person can’t make it, and they did it that way, why don’t I? I could go on about this, but you get the point?  It is NOT necessary to include the details. It is hurtful to so many.

Here is a link via that is comprehensive on safe reporting. Please, please read it. Take it to heart as you are reporting on someones mother, father, daughter, son, etc. How would you want your loved one to be remembered?  If you had someone you loved struggling with suicidal thoughts, how you report on a suicide could save their life. If you lost someone by suicide, as many many people have, how you report on suicide could possibly bring that vivid pain right back, do you want to do that?

Suicide has come into the spotlight sadly again this past week with the death of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, right on the heels of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) releasing new data on state trends in suicide rates in the June issue of Vital Signs. The data show that from 1999 to 2016, suicide rates went up more than 30 percent in half of states, and more than half of people who died by suicide did not have a known mental health condition. The National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention (Action Alliance) has released a statement on the new data emphasizing that suicide is not just a mental health concern. Many of my friends and colleagues in the field have been doing an AMAZING job doing interviews working on educating the press and public about suicide prevention and safe reporting. These are people who work tirelessly on this, working at decreasing these numbers.

There are many things in addition that can help, and part can come from you dear press. You hold in your hands the ability to reach people, it is your specialty. As a loss survivor of the unthinkable, I ask you please, do that. Educate yourself on safe reporting, publish articles on suicide prevention, on how to achieve brain health, how if you are struggling, that it is ok to reach out, that mental illness is a brain illness, much like diabetes is a metabolic illness. We can do this, we as a collective can change these numbers, and we must. We survivors do not want anyone else part of this crappy club.