I forget. I forget how much my body and mind are processing.  All the time. Until it doesn’t.

I go/run away from Portland every year for the death anniversary of Jesse and Bella on May 8th.  I have managed to go out of the country every time, well, last year was Hawaii, but that counts as super far. I do that for many reasons, mostly because as time approaches, my subconscious goes into overdrive remembering every little detail. Details like how the light plays in the sky at different times of day, how the clouds played also into that light as spring is often rainy, the flowers that were blooming, the color of green as trees came out of the dormancy of winter.  How each Facebook memory prompts a whole other intense response.  The days leading up and the actual day.

To get away allows a pause button to be hit. When in Costa Rica, I am not barraged by little girls that look like mine, there are no curly haired dirty blonde blue eyed little girls running around…I have said time again, Bella’s grief is in a box. Tight. I realize only when I get that break, what that actually looks like day to day here. I realize why I am exhausted all the fucking time. Because my mind is working at protecting itself from that grief so I can stay sane and not run around screaming and wailing and throwing myself in front of a moving train to stop the pain. Sorry, I realize that is not easy to read, but that is the truth of how it makes me feel. I won’t actually do that, I can’t, I won’t. But I still deal with it crowding my mind often.

This is why travel for me is critical. When I travel, and surround myself (and my mind) with new things, and it allows a break. I am not being triggered by all the things local that remind me of them. This trip was particularly amazing as I got the break from seeing little girls that remind me of Bella I mentioned above, and got to be in nature, a rain forest no less. Aside from that, it is a Spanish speaking country, so it is another thing my brain locks onto to allow that break.

I actually relaxed on this trip, a lot, and even felt “normal” at times. I think a major difference this year is traveling with F. I didn’t have to be on all the time with Raffi.  And as always, he is amazing and supportive, and held space as I was intermittently teary. I am so grateful for so many reasons, and hold that as I have been trying to integrate back from some very busy and intense months. I have been trying to close my eyes at times and bring my body back to that feeling of relaxation. Sometimes it works to look at the many amazing pictures. And then there is sometimes that body slam that occurs. An example was yesterday driving to work. I was stopped at a traffic light, and the car in front of me was a jeep of sorts. In the backseat, there was a car seat, with a head visible at the top, a head full of crazy hair. It sent me into a tailspin out of no where, remembering my sweet girl, whose head was just above the car seat and often had wild and crazy hair. I just about lost my shit. It took ten minutes of deep breathing and tears running slowly down my cheeks for the response to abate. That’s my reality. I am mostly “at peace” in the fact that I realize it will never go away. There are times that are “better” than others, like when I travel, and for those breaks, I am forever grateful.

They call this the broccoli tree

One of many waterfalls on our hikes