How do I even summarize the last week? Whiplash. I had arbitration last Wednesday and Thursday on Jesse and Bella’s case from the car accident in 2013…
When you live with someone, often times you are “in it” and do not have an objective view, that is pretty normal. When they are injured, again, you are in it, you observe them in pain, you observe the things they can and cannot do, but you rarely are privy to every medical chart note during that time. I got a glimpse of those said chart notes. Chart notes that filled up 4+ four-inch binders. When you pursue cases like this, normal when you are in a serious enough car accident, the only stuff used is stuff related to your personal care, could be before the accident, and most definitely after. In my case, Jesse and Bella died. In my heart of hearts, and everyone else who knew him, knows that the car accident changed him. He would have never had to take pain killers, it would not have messed with his brain chemistry, he would not have been given a partial permanent disability, he would not have had a manic episode. He had been depressed on and off, and always used his tools of exercise, medication, and therapy to get through. Every time. His exercise was taken away and replaced with pain. He could not even pick up Bells. He was hopeless. I could have walked away from the case. But I knew how he had fought before he died on it and I know he would have most definitely wanted me to fight for him. So I did.
In a case like this, where it is a wrongful death case, everything is thrown in. Therapy sessions where you spill your worst fears, complain up the wazoo, and work on the things in that intimate space, thrown in your face by the other lawyers. I had his chart notes, my chart notes, our marriage therapy chart notes, all under scrutiny and taken out of context. I saw those chart notes of his ups and mostly downs after the accident and realized yes, he was in so much pain, but he put on a brave face for everyone, because that is what he did. I had no idea the extent of his pain and injuries. I mean, I knew, but not the depth. You don’t often get that picture being in it, working and supporting the family, trying to pick up the slack, taking care of young kids. I had to defend him, our marriage, and the pain he was in.
I was so sad after each day seeing that whole picture.
I was re-traumatized reliving the 24 hours before they died. I have it in my head all the time, please do not mis-understand. It is always there. But having crime scene photos put in front of me, having to go step by step with people who are not “safe” was hell.
Thursday night, when I got home, I crumpled into F’s arms. After shedding some tears, I looked at him and said, I have no idea how I am standing in front of you as functional as I am. I should and have all rights to be in an insane asylum based on what I saw and experienced. I have time behind me now to understand the fucked-upness of it.
I have so much gratitude for F it brings tears to my eyes. He enveloped me in love over this past weekend, allowed me to be super clingy, had me laughing to the point of almost peeing myself, and even went to Costco with me (he hates that place, I kinda love it). We went on an 8.5 mile hike in Gifford Pinchot Forest, which is outside of Mt.St. Helens. It was a meandering hike next to a raging river, encountering three waterfalls along the way. The oxygen of the forest permeated my lungs, allowing them to expand, and to breath. The soft moss cushioned my aching heart and soul. The raging water carrying the unshed tears.
Today, I am preparing to go to AAS (American Association of Suicidology) to do three talks and be with the most amazing and inspiring people in the field of Suicidology. I am still awaiting the results of last week. I have no idea where Jess and Bells are. I don’t believe in heaven, and depending on the day as to whether I believe they are “out there” or just gone. But if they are out there, I hope I did good by you Jess, I really tried. I know the you that I loved, the you we all loved, would have never done this in your right mind. I am so sorry, I am so sorry for the place you got to after that accident, the pain and hopelessness you must have felt. I am so sorry 🙁
From our hike
