I have too much on my plate right now.  And all things considering, I feel like I am doing the best I can under the circumstances, but I also feel like I am dancing on the edge of breaking.

We are doing a lot of work on my old house, so managing that. Have remodeling in my office and new people starting this week.  Raffi is going through some really hard and scary stuff. I have arbitration on Jesse and Bella’s case this Wednesday and Thursday (it will finally be done!). I am preparing my talks for AAS (American Association of Suicidology) conference next week and leave for Washington DC next Wednesday.  I am also preparing for my keynote in Boston the beginning of May.  I get back from that the day before the annual get the hell out of Portland for the death anniversary trip, which we will be going to Costa Rica, which at this point, I cannot even wrap my head around. All this while I am less than a month away from that said anniversary, and my sub-conscious is wreaking havoc on me.

I am doing remarkably well. I have the most amazing husband, friends and family. I am also taking one day at a time. I am time blocking this all, dealing with each, one block at a time. This week is arbitration. Next week is work and AAS.  The following is prep for keynote and Costa Rica. And so on. I am trying to streamline and let go of responsibility with what I can. I am leaning on my support.  I am working on not getting bogged down, and getting wrapped up within the stress of it all and instead, still cuddling on the couch to watch a show with my sweetie at night, gardening this past weekend, seeing friends last week.

I know I have said this, and it is a duh, but their death changed me. Death does that. It allows you to remember that life is precious.  It allowed me to look long and hard at myself, what served me and what no longer served me.  Once the shock wore off, what did this life look like? As I learned to live again versus just exist, what did that look like? I am sitting in my office, looking at spring blooming everywhere, its colors exploding, the birds chirping, I am grateful in this moment. I am grateful to my husband, I am grateful for friends and family. I am grateful that I get to fly across the country to speak on murder-suicide, which heals and helps my soul as I educate and help others.

I thank my mom.  Often in my life when I got over-whelmed, she had a saying that she would say over and over to me.  Back then, it was annoying, because I was a kid, what did my parents know?  But now, I hear her in my ear saying, baby steps Steph, baby steps. And that is what I am doing.

My backyard, one of my spaces to take a breath