This was my experience on Saturday morning, it’s a glimpse of what PTSD is like.  I have said time and time again, it is ruthless and indiscriminatory in its nature.  I have no idea when it will decide to show its colors. People who live with this, on some level, are always bracing for it to show up. It doesn’t always. But man, when it does, it can range from mild to a doozy.

Morning brightens my windows, the sun edging along the curtains. I am comforted in my bed, warm and snuggly under the covers, my love sleeping next to me. The stillness and calmness envelops me.

I am in that in between place, not quite awake, not quite asleep, teetering on the edge of each, finally deciding to catch one more wink.

The vision as I close my eyes are your eyes, my sweet girl, upon which I found you that night.  Eyes closed, lids blue. All logic gone in that moment, else I would know you were gone from here, from me.

I woke with a start and every time I blinked, that vision before me

Again

and again

and again

Memories flooding, please, can’t I go back to that blissful and peaceful place?

No

No you can’t.