The holidays are over. Thank goodness.  I am hoping the next few weeks will allow me to catch up and not be crippled by the roller coaster the past couple of months have been.  I am coming back today after over a week off from work.  I responded here and there to some emails, but mainly took this time to be as quiet as I could and allow some of the grief for my dad, and get through the holidays. 

I forget. You have seen me say that over and over these past few weeks. I realize it is a mechanism my brain uses lest I live in a state of dread. New Years for many is a time for reflection and intent. It is a time to take stock of the things we are carrying with us into a new year.  And the things we are not. It, like many “dates” are etched in, non-moving year to year except for the passage of time. There were a few days last week where I went dark. I shared with my amazingly supportive husband (saying that is never going to get old) that when I feel like this, I feel like I have an albatross around my neck, weighing me down so much, threatening to take me under. It is where I am in battle with myself. A battle on my own brain to counter-act the thought processes. It feels like a betrayal to the will to live. Exhausting does not adequately describe it. I knew it was an accumulation of emotions, my dad, yet another Christmas without my darling daughter, the how, the flashbacks that magnify this time of year. I know this is usually a temporary feeling, and I remind myself of that when I am in the thick of it. Instead of berating myself, I will allow for the sadness to be. Not overcome, but be. I needed to. I needed to embrace my dad’s death. I needed to allow the emotions that have been percolating and needing to express the ability to do so. I needed to acknowledge that Christmas is really really hard for me. That yes, I can be present with family and friends and have a good time, but underneath, there is this layer of grief for Bella that is overwhelming, and at any time can surface, and this year, an added layer of my fathers passing.

So, as we arrived home after Christmas from an amazing time with family and friends, there were those few days where it was dark. Then it lifted. We had a quiet weekend, no plans, which allowed me some more needed time to grieve before I headed back to work this week. New years eve came upon us, and it got me thinking of it as a pivotal point in the year where we take stock. For those who have lost people in their life, it accentuates that loss. The what if’s are ever present. The should haves. The I wish. My brain would love to dive back into that dark place again with that, and I resist. Instead, I say, well, what do you want to do with all of that. I choose. I choose to take that loss, that hurt and do something with it. Appreciate life. Appreciate those close. Appreciate those not, so that I can learn and be a better human.

I will say one thing also that I forgot about. Fireworks. As we were finishing up the latest season of Mr. Robot on new year’s, I started to hear them here and there. I immediately pushed it out of my head. We headed up before midnight to get ready for bed (getting old!!) and as midnight approached, the fireworks ramped up. I could no longer push it out of my head as my body flinched each time one went off. PTSD. A lot of fireworks sound like guns going off. I imagine. The flashbacks come full force with an onslaught of images that take my breath away. I laid in bed after saying Happy New Year and pondered if I could manage this without my anxiety medicine. Then I reminded myself gently that if I had a migraine, I would take something for it. Why suffer?  After taking it and waiting for it to kick in, I held his hand tight as each went off.  I reminded myself, hey, the good news is you are a little better? Right?  Previously you would be in a fetal position crying during this. Hmm. Ok, that would be my brain on trying to see the silver lining in it. No. It still sucks. My flight or fight instinct arises each time one goes off. It is not fun. They eventually stopped, and instead of falling asleep, my brain and body needed to come down from “attack” mode to calmer mode. It took awhile.

This is where I pondered some more on all the above thoughts about New Years and loss. And the immense gratitude of my family, friends, and finding a love that I never knew could be.

I go into this year with many intentions.  I want to write this book that has been churning in my head, I want to continue with my advocacy work. I want to have fun as well. I understand the finality of loss, and the preciousness of life. I want to respect and engage with that appreciation that we just don’t know how long we get.

From a hike the day after Christmas (Tumalo Falls)