Decompressing

Last week was amazing. And exhausting. And emotional on so many levels.  And, I am continuously amazed at how inspiring this work is.

I am running on empty, as I have not slept in two nights because my dog, Talula, has had diarrhea since Sunday morning, and has woken me up several times the past few nights. I am not one of these people who can wake up then go back to sleep easily. So, by the time I had just fallen back asleep, she would whine at the door to go out again. I brought in a stool sample to hopefully figure this out. I thought once the kids were sleeping through the night, I would be done with this. The whole point of that is to say I am going to share a few thoughts on my experiences last week and expand in the future.

I traveled across the country on Halloween.  I won’t lie, it is a hard holiday now for me. I went to my first party the Saturday before only because it was a board game theme, and thought it would be safe, which thankfully it was.  I wrote extensively on this last year, but the jist is, if I see a little girl that sorta looks like Bella, I freak out. If I see a zombie, or someone gory, or pretending to be dead, well, the flashbacks that come are hard and fast. So traveling was perfect. I forget though how long of a day it is, especially when there is a connecting flight. I got to the hotel, unpacked, ate a super healthy dinner, then went and read over my talk.

I was grateful with the time change that I was not presenting until about 11.  I slept ok-ish as I would wake often and worry that I overslept. I got up and got ready with butterflies in my stomach.  I checked my computer probably ten times to make sure everything was working, as technology and I are not always bff’s. I went downstairs to find two kind women at the registration table to greet me and then I came upon the reason I was there, Annemarie, and gave her a big hug hello.  I ate some breakfast (why can’t I be one of those that loses their appetite with stuff like this?!).  Annemarie debuted her movie, Voices from the Shadows, which was so very powerful.  Then we heard from two people in the field, one presenting on loss from suicide (Franklin Cook) the other from loss from murder (Bill McCoy). Which was a brilliant transition into what I was going to present.

When I get up there, it is a curious thing. I have said this before, I never knew I had any talent for this. But there is a transformation that happens, and I think because I practiced this so much, this time, a confidence. Don’t get me wrong, I am nervous, I feel like I stumble over every word, look at my paper constantly, etc. But there is this connection with each and every person in the room that I try to make as I take them along this incredibly tough journey.  I did it.  And I did it well.

The feedback was encouraging, heartwarming, and as always, makes me want to get in front of even more people. Not many people who have experienced this can do this, I get that.  So I feel like it is important to share so that people can learn about the reality of what this looks like.

After, I had so many emotions, and was grateful for a cozy quiet bed.  The next couple of days, we were planning to film me telling my story for an upcoming documentary that Annemarie wants to make. The first of those days was spent planning, the second, I was interviewed by a local reporter!  I knew that was a possibility, but there was not a definite yes until that morning. I have never been interviewed before, and I cannot quite describe it. I feel like it went well, though more intense than anything I have done up to this point. Again, it is much like doing a presentation, it is hard, but I feel the importance is critical.  There are murder suicides happening in our communities, and it is important for people with lived experiences to help educate others to hopefully prevent future events and or help those left behind.  I am continuously grateful for these opportunities and look forward to more.  With that, hopefully the dog is feeling better and I get some sleep.

Ready!

That’s me!

The reason I was there!

2 thoughts on “Decompressing

    • Hi! I think they filmed some, but the battery died. I am speaking for the State of Mass 17th suicide prevention conference next May…

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