Nervous and excited!  That was beautifully coined by a good friend of mine recently.

I was describing my upcoming talk to him a few weeks ago and he said, wait, you are nervited.  I thought it was brilliant and did not realize as it approached how true of a statement it was.  I am sitting here in Taunton, Massachusetts right now typing this! I can’t believe it is finally here?!

This one will be kinda short as I want to get to bed soon for the big day tomorrow.  I traveled from Portland, OR today, and sometimes forget when there is a connecting flight, how long of a day it makes.  It continues to baffle me that sitting all day makes one exhausted? I had a layover in Chicago, which is always beautiful to fly in and out of, albeit a bit bumpy.  Overall, a great day for flying.  I am settled in my hotel room, having gone over materials for the umpteenth time, making sure everything is in order for tomorrow.

I am so grateful and honored to get to do this.  When asked if I would, of course I said yes.  I have said time and time again, this is my goal to get to share my story more.  Murder suicides are happening sadly, yet not many talk about it, or are able.  A patient told me yesterday that I was going to help so many people by doing this.  That is the goal! Prevention and Support.  Until we get to zero as a number to this, it will be both.

I am speaking in the morning for about 50 minutes or so, depending on my nerves, hoping to keep the pace slow.  I practiced in front of my boyfriend last night.  We were supposed to do that many days ago, but time got lost. I have to admit, he is my hardest audience.  Give me 1000 people, piece of cake compared to just him. There are many reasons for it, the main is that I talk a lot more about Jesse in this one. Plus, I had the slideshow that will go on in back of me going as well. He has seen the random picture here and there of him, but this is the first he got of us as a family, him as a dad.

Doing this is vulnerable. It opens a part of my soul that is raw. I can do it though and in many ways it is cathartic and healing. Knowing that it connects with people and helps them is priceless. I honestly think it is all the years of doing acupuncture. I am able to compartmentalize. And I got into what I do because I wanted to make a difference in peoples lives. I get that same feeling by getting up in front of a crowd of people and talking about Jesse and Bella. Talking about what happened. Talking about my journey in grief. Talking about this new normal.

The afternoon I get to do something brand new and am so excited to do so. I am combining all my years of doing acupuncture, Oriental Medicine, and clinical aromatherapy with what I have learned about in this grief journey.  I am going to teach people tools they can take home and use.  There is no greater feeling of feeling like you can “do something” when your life is turned upside down. My hope is that someday, I can develop this into an all day class.

Well, I imagine you were wondering how it went last night with my practice run with my keynote. After I was done, he looked at me and was speechless. He got up, came across the room, and hugged me, and held me for a long long time. We both cried. I cannot imagine the emotions that must have brought up for him. He already knew a lot.  This brought more into his sphere of knowledge of what I went through and how it affected me.  There are no words what his hug did for me last night. There are no words for what his support and encouragement do.  I honestly get teary thinking of it.

So, here I will leave you dear readers. I am walking my talk on self care right now and going to go to bed to try and get a good nights sleep. Wish me luck tomorrow!

Taking off from Chicago