Over the past three and a half years, I have watched, observed, and worried for my daughter Raffi, who is now officially a teen. Jesse came into her life when she was two and was first her daddy Jesse then her daddy. He connected with her in ways that to this day, I cannot copy. Her heart, along with mine were shattered on May 8, 2014 when I came home to find that he had killed Bella, her sister, and himself. She has never been extremely communicative or emotive regarding their deaths. Neither has she asked many questions. Kids grieve differently. They do not have the frontal lobes we adults do, so do not have the capability to reason. The intellectualizing that I do around their deaths to keep me sane, she just can only go so far with. On the outside, you would not know the weight that she carries in her life. She acts like a normal teen.

Since their death, she has had trouble in school, as well as in social relationships. There is usually one teacher on her “shit list” as the anger that is under the surface needs an outlet. Her counselor and I have figured out that she has not gotten mad at Jesse yet, so it is misdirected. She has trouble focusing. She came to me last year and said she thought that she had ADD.  I told her no, it is just that our brains because of the trauma we have had, are different, and that we need to work harder to do things that come more naturally for other people. I hate that I have to have those conversations with her.

I have had the continuous struggle: what is normal and what is grief.  I have come to peace with that recently, realizing I am not going to truly know, as they are intertwined in her as a complexity as they are in me. To try and piece them out, I am just going to drive myself crazy.

Last year and this year she is truly struggling in school in a few classes, usually with the teacher that is on the shit list. I have struggled to help, because on this, we are night and day. School came easy to me and I wanted to succeed. It does not to her, and if she does not like the subject or teacher, she just doesn’t care. She tries, a little, but often feels like the teacher hates her, or something is unfair. A few days ago, we addressed a letter from her teacher that I had written to with a wtf, my kid is failing your class. Going over it, Raffi shut down. Like rolled over and just checked out. I tried to reach her, told her that we needed to figure out what would work for her, etc. After digging, she came out with a few things that made my heart break. Change is ridiculously hard for her and when she doesn’t have a say, it stresses her out.  School stresses her out and it is stupid. That she feels like and is a failure. That nobody likes her, she is the weird art kid, and that she is negative all the time because if she is positive, it is just taken away.

That last one especially reminds me how much we are both fucked up from what happened to us. That last one tipped the see saw into hating Jesse for what he did, especially to her. I get it, his brain broke. I get it, he would not have done that in his right mind. But he did it, and this is the reality of what is left. I shared that I get that. It took me a long time, a lot of therapy, and hard work to bring positive back in my life, and I still believe it will all go away at any moment. I work at trying to stop that thinking, but it still arises, even with all the amazing positives in my life.

She is just a kid though. No matter how much we go over the tools, they are only going to work to a certain extent because of that brain development. At some point, the gravity will hit her, and I believe it is starting. It is not fair. She says that often in regards to trivial things, when I read between the lines and say to myself, yes dear one, it is not fair. Yes dear one, this is too much for an adult to process, and it breaks my heart that you have to.

I wish she could see the beauty inside and out of herself. I wish she could see the compassion she has that I do. I wish she could see that she has so much potential. I wish she did not have to go through any of this. Being a teen is hard enough, being a teen with what she carries inside, makes me worry all the more.

I try to take comfort in the amazing support we have. All the people who love this kid. Her amazing therapist. The Dougy Center for Grieving Children.  I am not going to stop worrying, because that comes with the territory of being a parent. But please understand my worry is a trillion fold because of the stats, the stats that state that she has a whole list of things that I need to worry about because of what happened. It is not untold worry. There is that stats for a reason.  I hold the balance of many parents, trying to figure out the line of letting them figure it out and holding their hand to shaking them and saying I FUCKING LOVE YOU and PLEASE LISTEN TO ME! I love her so much and know that she has to go through this and wish she didn’t 🙁

13th Birthday Wish