It has been a week of birthdays.  Last Wednesday was Maribella’s birthday, she would have been eight. Mine was yesterday.  

I called my “mom” a few weeks ago and asked if we could come to Bend to celebrate my sweet girl.  I shamelessly asked, can you take care of me, I need my mom.  I am so lucky to have her and my “dad.”  They are Jesse’s best friends parents who he sorta adopted when he was 17, and by marrying him, I was welcomed into the fold. I had gotten close to them over the years, she had three boys and I was like the daughter she never got, and my girls she adored. I leaned on her a lot when Jesse was in the hospital with a manic episode when she came and watched the girls while I worked and visited him.  When I found Jesse and Bella that fateful night, May 8th, I tried to call her with no answer, finally reaching out to his best friend, having to tell him what happened and saying to him, I need your mom.  They drove over from Bend to be with me in the middle of the night. Over the past three years, that closeness has grown into something that brings tears into my eyes with gratefulness.

We arrived the day before to their house, which is on ten acres outside of town.  I have mentioned many times that it is one of my happy and peaceful places. We caught up a bit and settled in for the night.  When I awoke, I had one of those moments that I forgot, then it hit like a ton of bricks. She is not here. I am celebrating a ghost. I am trying to imagine what eight would have looked like on her, instead my brain remaining on when I last held her at four years, ten months, and seventeen days. I walked numbly down the stairs and had a complete panic attack on the way which forced me to sit down trembling waiting for it to pass. My brain then did what it does almost naturally now, disassociate, that numbness settling in so that I don’t go crazy. We had a relaxing morning where I buried myself in my book until it was time to leave. At one point Raffi came downstairs and I asked for a hug.  She gave me the longest and hardest hug I have gotten in a long time. I said to her, I really miss her, I can’t believe she is not here.  She said, I do to mom. When I went upstairs later, I found that she had taken all of the calico critters out.  We had given them to Bella the christmas before and played with them all the time. I could not bare to get rid of them, so they ended up in a box upstairs for Raffi to play with if she wanted to. I know when they are out, her thoughts are with her sister.

After lunch we went to a place called Smith Rocks and did a hike. It was stunning, the rocks in their varying shades of red, yellow, white and brown against the blue sky only the desert can show. Nature is one of the few places that brings me a sense of peace as well as allows the connection to something bigger than I. It helps me feel close to her as I stumble on butterflies and flowers, as well as all the beauty the forest holds. After our hike I wanted to do something special for Raffi.  Also I had in the back of my mind it would have been something Bella would have loved, an alpaca farm!  We all loved it to be honest. I even laughed a few times as they nibbled on the food out of my hands. We went back to the house and Raffi and Cookie (my “mom”) went to work on Bellas cake.  It is always with mixed emotion that I do this, it is heartbreaking and yet I have to.

Coming back to Portland after that always puts my in this introspective place.  I always want to move to Bend after a visit.

Soon after my sweet girls birthday is my own. Which for the past few years has been torture, she was my early birthday present that was no longer here. This year was different. My boyfriend and I had a lot of fun things planned. It was also the hottest weekend to date in Portland, hitting about 99-100 on both Saturday and Sunday. Friday we had a lovely quiet evening celebrating, well, Friday. Saturday evening was the World Naked Bike Ride. Yes dear readers, I did it. I started in my bikini, and well, perhaps at some point the top came off. What an amazing and liberating thing!  One that expanded my box quite a lot, and got me excited about what I wanted to do next year for it. All I can say right now is that there will be glitter, because, well, glitter makes everything prettier. Sunday was my birthday present from my boyfriend, who took my to Mcmenimans Grand Lodge for the night. He totally spoiled me and got a two room suite, which reminded me of the ones I saw in movies set in Europe.  I had never stayed in something so beautiful. We enjoyed the day (and the AC!) and as usual, each other’s company.

There are no words how much this birthday weekend meant to me, I actually had fun. It truly was a celebration with this person whom I love dearly.  He knew how hard my birthday was for me since they died, and gave me this amazing, kind, thoughtful experience that allowed me to feel joy and happiness on an occasion which one should. It allowed me hope that even though I will have this tinge that my sweet girl, my early birthday present is not there to celebrate with me, that I can maybe even look forward to my birthday again?

I am of course reflective as I often am around my birthday.  I always see it as a marker in time to see where I have been and where I want to go. There are so many things I want to do and accomplish, and though some of it is daunting, I am using this marker of my birth as the kickoff and kick in my ass frankly to get it done.  Here is to another year!

Smith Rock

Smith Rock

Alpaca!

My birthday present