Time has not eased moments like these. They said it would. They lied.

When you have lost a child, you have not only lost them, but the potential of them, no matter the age. Granted, we never know what that potential could or would have been, but I feel pretty confident in Bella at least making it those few months to start kindergarten, which she was so excited to do. I remember her first day of pre-school, which is what is pictured below, she was so nervous and excited. Oli wore the same outfit as her as he wanted to support her and came with us to drop her off. She loved that she could see his school from hers, and was looking forward to going to the same school in a year, she worshiped him.

The past month, Facebook has been fluent in first day of school pictures. Normally, I try to ignore it all. I feel guilty every year doing this, it’s not that I don’t want to see everyone’s pictures, but it is that slap, that gut punch, oh, another year has gone by. Another year when I don’t get to go back to school shopping with her, another year where we pick out that first day of school outfit. This year would have been her last year in elementary school.

But.

I NEVER EVEN FUCKING GOT TO TAKE HER TO KINDERGARTEN

I look at the pictures on my wall, the things she drew and made in those few short months at pre-school. She blossomed in so many ways, making friends, going to birthday parties, chatting away at the end of those days of the things she learned. She was so damn smart. I am only left to imagine what her future held.

I can’t help but look on Facebook, even though it hurts like hell. I can’t help but study those who are the same age as she would have been, especially the girls. I wonder. She would be ten now, more developed into who she would have been, the “baby” face changed some. Would she be as tall as Oli by now, probably, much to Oli’s dismay. What kind of backpack would she have, lunchbox? What would her style be? I can only imagine talking to her teacher and them saying, yeah, she is a straight A student, but could cut back on the socializing a bit.

I have been struggling with this concept of time healing things lately. I have more to say, but for now, I am re-structuring how my mind embraces certain things, mostly to hold on to my sanity. Five years in, some aspects are easier. But, honestly, time has made the grief around her even worse. I step onto the precipice of aspects of it, especially around times like this where I am reminded of the things I do not get to do/see/experience with her, and I feel my world, my being, start to shatter slowly, and I step back. I step back because I want to stay, and if I fall into that grief, I will not have the strength to hold on. So, I still keep it tight in a box, it is the best I can do.