I think I want to plan a honeymoon each year about this time. It helps distract from the many things going on in my mind relating to the grief around Bella. Especially with her upcoming birthday…

My MO for the past five years is to stay busy. That is good and bad, much like anything in life. The good is it helps my brain nor my body sink into the despair, if I have something to do, to plan, to help with, it is like the shiny button that is so opposite the hell in my brain. The bad, I am exhausted all the time. I have sorta gotten used to that. Though, my body is forcing me to rest a bit more here and there. It is weird, I will just hit a wall. I am starting to listen more, and allow myself a break for a half hour here and there during the day if my schedule allows. It is challenging though, as that does not help with the to do list that does not alter.

We leave on June 23. I was very specific with that date as I wanted to get through Bella’s birthday on the 21st. She would be ten this year, double digits. I remember when Oli got there, he was so excited about the double digit concept. Much like everything else this year, I am detached and numb. I just realized the other day that I have made no plans for that day. Those who know me would feel my forehead for a fever at that statement. Up to this point, like their death anniversary, I escape. I can’t do that this year with our trip two days later, it is just not possible. I also have a kid who does not want to touch the feelings around this with a ten foot pole. Though when he asked without realizing the date if a friend could come over and my answer was an emphatic no, he got it. I need to have a talk with him trying to see what we can do to honor her. I will lose my proverbial mind and shit if I don’t. I have a few suggestions, like the zoo (she LOVED the zoo), or maybe a quick trip to the coast to get ice cream which would take up most of the day, though Oli hates the beach. Teenagers are tough. Teenagers who are dealing with underlying grief, tougher.

Toy Story 4 comes out the day before, and we have all agreed that would be a good thing to do in the evening. I remember a few years ago when Oli and I went away to the beach for a few days, Finding Dory had just come out and we did that for her birthday. For me, I believe it will be the “excuse” to cry my eyes out. My family knows that pretty much every movie I cry. Hell, I even cried when I saw the most recent Avengers. The tears are there, they have been for months, yet do not come. I am hoping this will allow some release of that dam of pain.

Meanwhile, I am uber focused on the to-do list around this amazing trip F and I have coming up. We wanted to do a honeymoon, albeit delayed, to a place that neither of us have been to, Greece! I had enough miles from soooooo many years of being in business to get us there. I have been very grateful for Amazon prime, who is probably sick of my buying stuff and returning it, same with Target so that I don’t have to go to a million stores, though I still feel like I am shopping all the time, which is not my favorite thing. Like I said before, I am attempting to do this via a backpack only, which is why the never ending shopping to make what goes in there count.

I am plodding along I suppose. There is a heaviness that I am carrying, feeling like I am walking through water trying to reach a destination miles away. I am still finding moments of peace and joy, utilizing the list of things that help with that, gardening being most present because of the time of year. I always knew I liked to to it, but until we had this house, I never knew how much it helped me move my emotions through. I love transforming our property a section at a time, keeping my fingers crossed every time I put a new plant in the ground that it will grow, so far, so good. In a year or so, the backyard “should” be quite colorful. My next big project with it is figuring out how to deal with the never ending weeds, which I have a hunch the previous owners dealt with was via Roundup 🙁

I think often of colleague Kevin Hines, he has an expression that rolls through my head when I am tired and just want to stay in bed forever, keep on keeping on. It is all I can do. Or any of us for that matter.