It is the only way I can describe how I am feeling right now. There are many parts unraveling at varying speeds, whilst, others, are following behind and re-raveling to keep my sanity intact.

I leave tomorrow for the American Association of Suicidology’s conference in Denver, and this will be the fourth year I am speaking. I am super excited and nervous on the talks I am presenting. The first panel I am on, is an idea that I had, coming to fruition on the importance of people getting involved in the legislative process, and how we, as individual citizens can indeed make a difference. I am on the stage with superstars and people I admire so much in this field. The second, is talking about murder suicide and its ripple effects, again, alongside people I respect so much. I knew it would be hard, but had now idea of its intensity and affect on me. I am talking about the impact on my community immediately and over the past five years. I finally can get through it without breaking down and crying. I think I realized why I was having such a hard time with it. I can talk about myself sorta ok. I feel like I disassociate from myself and almost am another person talking. I know it sounds weird, but again, when I go to work, my patients don’t know if I am having a crap day, my job is to put that aside and show up and take care of them. It is almost a gift on those days it is hard, it gives me a break. But, back to doing public speaking. When I am doing talks about myself and what I have been through, that is the space I go to. But this one is different, this one is talking about my family, my friends, my neighbors, my community, and what they have gone through. It’s not myself, so I can’t bubble out. And, it is the thing every single time that breaks me down, is knowing how this has affected them, and not being able to take that pain away. It brings up a lot of the guilt crap. I know, I know, I did not do it. But you cannot talks to any person who has been through something like this and them not have guilt come up. The “I should have’s.” That list is long, and I don’t get far on in it before I derail the thinking and remind myself of all the things I need to. But it is still there, lurking, and it always will. And thinking about all the people affected for the rest of their lives, especially the kids, it is ever present. So, this one is hard, and important. It is the thing people don’t think about as much. And, especially this far out, how those ripples are still affected.

All this while the 5th anniversary is 15 days away. I think that is the unraveling and re-raveling. I love and hate the timing of this conference. It is so close, so I am already exhausted, raw and want to go into my protective shell and hide and cry until May 9 (the unraveling). Going to this conference is the exact opposite of what I want to do when I am in that space. But, it is also good. It focuses the energy, distracts me in a way. Again, that stepping outside myself for a bit. I put on my networking and business hat, and am shiny, as I go to meet amazing people in the field. I share my story with others so to help educate others on the effects of a murder suicide and hopefully inspire people along the way, which, fills me in a way like nothing else. So, in a way, it re-ravels me.

This is also a time where self care comes into play big time. Balancing getting everything done that needs to be done, and saying, hon, can you scrub those pans, I am so tired and want to get ready for bed, I got nothing left in me. It is weeding for hours on end, getting my hands in the dirt. Planting new things, filling the yard with perennials. Starting to watch the Great British Bake-off. Ordering a jigsaw puzzle for when I get back this Sunday. Putting off my run today until after I get back from therapy because I feel like I am trudging through water today.

The next time I write, it will be just one day before. That day is just as fresh as the next one, as I think that Jesse’s unraveling hit maximum speed. My heart is heavy with those thoughts, and, I am focusing on being surrounded by the most wonderful people this week in Denver, people whom I appreciate so much. I look forward to learning new things about preventing suicide, helping others, and being amongst people who are like family at this point. As I weave in and out of talks, get hugs from them all, I will soak in all the love and allow the “re-raveling.”