Literally.
People ask me all the time, what does acupuncture treat. The answer is a lot. That being said, one of the things that has fascinated me over the years is how emotional “stuff” gets stuck in the body. This has shown up in the most bizarre ways, sometimes immediately, sometimes decades later. The gift I have with patients is time, I am not limited to one area of the body, and 10-15 minutes to get an entire picture. The first visit with people is an hour, no needles, just going over the different systems of the body. It’s humbling everyday and I am grateful to get to do something I love, helping people. I truly believe it is this deep knowledge that is an everyday thing for me, that has helped keep my body from completely falling apart these last four and a half years.
After Jesse and Bella died, I knew the potential risks to my body. I watched as the scale went down in numbers, no matter how much I ate (wish that would have stuck). I watched as anxiety and depression set in, along with PTSD and panic attacks. I had no choice but to embrace self care in order to counter-balance the effects of the trauma. It is not like, oh, this is a short term problem, this stuff will just go away eventually. As you have read dear reader, it ebbs and flows in its intensity, but never truly goes away.
After, I embraced running to help process through the myriad of emotions and help with endorphins. It honestly has been one of the most effective things I have done, especially when the anger or wired/tired hits. I have run countless races, including three half- marathons. I have slowed down a bit, because of course, running on concrete is not fabulous for your joints, and my right ankle has been wonky. But, that being said, it has not stopped me and I continue to run at least twice a week at least three miles. I noticed during the past six to twelve months a weird shortness of breath during most of my runs. I pushed it aside and told myself, well, you haven’t been doing distance, you just need to push through and condition your body. When I also noticed an increase in heart palpatations as well (when you feel your own heart beat), I said, huh, I should get that checked out. I have had them since they died, but this was more. It wasn’t until I was having serious challenges running three miles that included the heart palpatations, shortness of breath, dizziness, and weakness that pushed me to go to the doc. Plus, I had insurance now that was actually useful, and I made my primary deductible.
I called the cardiologists office, told them my symptoms, and they got me in the next day. I told him all of my symptoms, he gave me an EKG, found nothing, took my blood pressure, which is awesome and said, well, it could be this or that, often times it isn’t anything to be worried about, but lets schedule a stress test and 24 hour heart monitor. I did the heart monitor last week, and have the stress test this Thursday. I got a call yesterday, and the tech told me that they had reviewed the results which showed an atrial fibrillation. Anyone who has weird symptoms, and often feels like everything is in their head, there is a moment of relief when you hear there is actually something happening that is causing it. Then there is the oh. Huh. Well, ok. They are going to do some more testing to narrow stuff down, and go from there.
On and off yesterday, many thoughts crossed my mind. The prominent being that it was not lost on me that Jesse broke my heart that day in many ways.
I guess I wanted to write about this because it is something that over 20 years I have seen in patients as well over the past four years, from loss survivors, how trauma affects their bodies. Does it mean it always happens. No. But is it something I don’t think is talked about enough, how long term trauma can affect ones body. We often look at the immediate effects, but often neglect looking at a year, five years, a decade later. That is another article within itself.
All of us have had a broken heart, some of us, have had many. I truly believe though, with love from family, friends, and your community, it “heals” in a way. It is not the same, no, not a healed all better kind of thing. But with every break, the glue from others love fill in those cracks, making it even bigger. That being said, it is important to be tender with oneself, and be vigilant in paying attention to your health, and getting care when needed.
