You may have noticed I have not posted in the last couple of weeks. The last two Tuesdays have been about 14+ hour days, and for my sanity, I needed to not add anything else to my to do lists. It has also been another few weeks of roller coasters.
The roller coaster drop in my stomach feelings have been few, but powerful. A couple of disappointments that brought me to tears, bringing up all kinds of crap that I did not have time to deal with. Other instances that were filled with intense and crippling worry, mostly about my kid. One that brought rage. Lots of feeling of overwhelm. And. Many, many instances that included happiness. Pretty much covers it all?!
Which all led up to this past weekend, which was filled with so much joy. Joy is such a funny one for me. As far as emotions go, not one I get the pleasure of having for sustained amounts of time. Often, a memory or flashback de-rail any prolonged feelings of it. This past weekend though, what a gift.
F and I had our excel spreadsheet wedding this past December. This past Saturday though, for me, was the for realz one. The one that we do the vows and ceremony in front of our community, friends and family. For me, having that witness, that oh, this is what it is about, this is the thing that helps support in ways you don’t even recognize most of the time. This makes it real.
I wrote my vows, in my nature, brought an honesty laced with humor in my normal fashion. That humor and silliness that F has a tendency to brings out in me. A humor and silliness that I never in my heart thought I would have again four years ago. He wowed me in ways with his as I listened and tears leaked out here and there. This man standing before me, staring into my eyes, loving me so. This was all orchestrated by my brother in law – I love that Jesse’s brother gave us away. I love that his blood and adopted family was there supporting and cheering us on. Their love and support of Jason and I, and now F, humbles me to literal tears every time I think about it. I have said before, they could have all walked away. They instead have done the opposite. They were family by marriage before, and now my family.
After, we had two dances, the first, At Last by Etta James, which was so lovely to dance to and his choice, and then the test of my one tango lesson to Coldplays Something Just Like This, which was mine, and is deeply meaningful for me. Luckily my dress hid most of my mistakes! We then looked out at this packed room of 110+ people, all clapping, crying, and so happy for us. You have to understand, the previous few times I have been in front of family and friends of this size crowd, have been for funerals, my dads, Jesse, and Bellas. So to stand there, take that moment in, soak up that joy and happiness, filled me with something I cannot even put words to. I had to fight every tear that wanted to escape to preserve the mascara I so rarely wear.
The overall weekend was filled with seeing friends and family all too briefly, as normal for a wedding, that being one of the very few parts making me sad, as I love to sit and talk, and re-connect with each and every person. I could not believe the amount of people who came from far and wide to share this with us. I am grateful beyond words for the helpers who helped with small to large parts in pulling this off. I was also sad for the people who wanted to be there and could not.
I think the person I am most grateful for is F. This is one part of my vows: “I am constantly amazed by your kindness and patience, your calmness to my spazness, your willingness to learn, understand and accept things, your sense of adventure, and your willingness to support me and love me for all that I am, even the complicated and hard stuff you can’t fix or make better. ” To be loved, to be seen, to have someone who has your back, who supports you, who brings out a silliness and spontaneity, who calms you when you are freaking out, who you could not imagine your life without, who makes life seem easy, this is that man.
As I sit here exhausted, catching up with the rest of life that has been passing me by, I stare out the window and continue to let the waves of love, gratitude and joy pour through me. Again, this long and sustained is such a rarity. I know the other crap will start to invade my brain as time goes on, it always does, as it is always there, I don’t get to escape it. That is the nature of that kind of loss and trauma. But, for now, I remember the hugs, the smiles, the dancing, oh, the dancing, the brief moments of connecting and saying, hey, I am so grateful you are here, with us, celebrating, making memories that will last a lifetime.
After party at an arcade-the pure joy of the night captured in a picture