I worried before Jesse and Bella died. I think it was a normal amount?  Hard to say. I do know however, after, it escalated. 

I have talked about catastrophizing before, something that my brain loves to do. I have read that is normal after one experiences a tragedy, I mean, seriously, bad shit happened, so one can assume more will, right?  So, I find myself talking my brain off the ledge daily from simple matters to more serious.

You have watched me worry over this time about my kid and the immediate and long term effects of the murder suicide on her.  It is a constant worry as kids grieve differently, and she keeps it all in, mostly. She recently came out as trans, and wants to be referred as he/him/Jason.

I have heard recently from a few people in the field, that kids (mine is 13) are going to redefine gender identity as we adults know it. As a parent, we want our kids to be happy and healthy within their minds and bodies. We want them to learn, thrive, and be a positive influence in society and the world. We want them to have humility and self-esteem. We want them to be kind and have healthy boundaries. I could go on.  When Jason told me all this, I sat with it and took it in.  I have always wondered based on what happened what he would end up identifying as.  This happened when he was 9, a very fragile age developmentally. I will be honest, I wonder how much of what is going on has to do with that. I have learned with his grief over the years, I am never going to be able to parse things out the way my mind wants to.

So, I am rolling with the here and now. And with that my worry has gone to exponential levels. Along with the roller coaster of being a teen, there is gender dysphoria as well. It is heartbreaking for any parent to watch their child suffer. I never know if I am going to get my happy go lucky quirky weird kid, or the one that I want to watch every second of the day for fear as they are displaying severe depression. Thank god for counseling. I have also reached out to a local place where they hold meetings for LGBTQ+ kids and PFLAG meetings for us parents. We worked at the he/him over vacation and have slowly been working on Jason.

The things that are hard. And this is my shit (as I have promised to be honest).  I have mourned one daughter. I am now mourning the possibility (as things can change, but honoring the here and now) that I am “losing” another. Psychologically, it is bringing me back to Bellas grief. Which is not good. At all. I know he is still here. But you imagine a life for them, and now, much of that needs to shift. I have to re-wire my brain completely, and it is not easy. Jason. That has been tough too. Yeah, it’s just a name. But you have to understand, he was named originally after one of my favorite people, my dead Italian grandmother. Rafaella.

The worry is excessive now. I worry frankly about the fact that my kid was already high risk for suicide based on the tragedy, and now, he just added a lot to that risk. I worry about the dysphoria and the pain around it. I know depression. It is a lying bastard that makes you think irrationally.   I have had to ask already if he had thought of suicide. The answer was no. I had to explain that ones brain can get dark, and to please please reach out. That he was loved. This is not what the baby manuals teach us when they are born. The worry continues as he will be starting a new school next year, 8th grade, and wants to as Jason. I worry about how mean kids can be already, especially to a new kid. I worry that he can barely focus in school and tells me that he is having panic attacks. I worry that this will only get worse. I worry.

And I have hope. I went to the place I mentioned above locally, and look forward to doing a tour and him going to one of the support groups where he will meet other kids in the area. The person I spoke with told me I was doing everything right. He told me that the most important thing these kids needs is family love and support. Which Jason has.

I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if this is permanent, but need to treat it as such. I do know, this is an amazing kid, who is so loved, so supported. When I worry, I hold those thoughts in my head, and take a few steps back off the ledge.