It is weird. Part feels like forever ago. Part feels like yesterday. I am actually writing this the day before, as tomorrow, I just don’t know how I am going to be.
I am in Costa Rica right now on the annual get the hell out of Portland for the anniversary trip. I forget how truly wonderful it is for my brain to get away for this, especially to a foreign country. I am not tied to a calendar, nor am stimulated by the things local that are a barrage of reminders. When I am away like this, my brain gets a break. It gets a break from the constant memories, the constant movie reels running through. My body, though alert because we are in a foreign country, gets a break from the constant fight or flight. I still catastrophize, but it is different.
The forever part. It has been forever since I held my sweet beautiful ray of sunshine. Since I smelled her stinky shoes. Since I smelled her clean skin and top of her head after a bath. Since I chased her around the house trying to pinch her little butt. Since I heard her laugh or giggle. The loss is surreal. Forever locked in her age. Forever four years, ten months and seventeen days. Forever gone.
Jesse. I still vacillate. The miss has changed more to a sadness. A sadness created from the more I learn in the field of suicidology. To understand the human species, how we are wired to live, and to overcome that, one must be in extraordinary pain. And the amount his brain must have broke, to have taken Bells. I can’t even. It both breaks my heart and still makes me want to find him and kill him all over. That hasn’t changed.
I am mostly numb. And really tired. It has been a long and tiring few months, from my dad being sick, to him passing, then my uncle. The arbitration. The preparing and flying to a couple of conferences. Then finding out a family member is very sick. I am done saying, it’s too much. It is life. But it has made me strangely numb. I get it. The brain has an amazing self preservation mode, that when shit gets “too much” it will numb out in preparation for more. I suppose that is good.
Today and tomorrow, we are surrounding ourselves with beauty. And very strenuous and busy days. It has been between 90-95 each day and humid. Today, we went on a four mile hike in the rain forest to a beautiful waterfall, lake and river. Rio Celeste. It is a unreal blue because of the mineral sediments presents. I have never seen anything like it. Everyone is napping while I write this. Tomorrow, we have a 13 hour day. It will start with a hike through the rainforest on hanging bridges, then to La Fortuna waterfall hike, then to lunch. After, another hike, to Arenal volcano, then after, to a hot springs. I do better when I am busy. I imagine after tomorrow, there will be a relaxation that occurs to a degree. The leading up to this day just sucks. Though it helps to be somewhere else, it is still there.
I think about all the people, those I know, those I don’t that were affected by this. Whose lives had that pivot point of wtf. Of the disbelief. Of the complexity of feelings and grief. Of the heartache. Of the various effects that are with each and every one of us to a degree. I know in my heart the Jesse we all knew would not want to hurt us like this. But, he did. And we have this common thread, this common fucked up bond. We all also have an appreciation of life, how precious it is.
Be kind to yourself. Anniversaries are moments, in this case, a horrific moment. I remind everyone, hold those you love close. Let them know you love them.
Jesse, I wish you the peace you never had completely in this life. I hope you continue to do the work you need to do.
Bells, I can’t even baby, I would do anything to hold you again. When you left me, a piece of my heart and soul went with you. I love you more than words…
Rio Celeste Waterfall (unfiltered)