I am going to give you a peek into me from 430am this morning until now. Right now I feel like a carbonated beverage that has been shaken up so much, and the cap is holding on barely.

A little background. When I came home to find that Jesse shot Bella then himself, my body, mind, and spirit changed forever.  My reserves went immediately to zero, my fight or flight mechanism on high alert. I run on adrenaline most of the time. I will say though, over the last year I have learned to relax, a bit here and there. It feels like learning something new again. I recognize the need on so many levels, and now have a partner that supports and encourages me to. It is funny (not really) to realize that you have relaxed a little more when something happens (albeit ridiculous) to put you back in that fight or flight.

I got to spend the last week and a half at my new house. You know, the one that gives me a sense of peace, allows me to take a deep breath, does not have the baggage that this one does?  Because of a snow day, plus changing around of appointments, it was a gift. I even broke out a jigsaw puzzle over this past weekend.  It was 1,000 pieces, a beautiful landscape of Portland.  I forgot how much I enjoyed doing them, as it allows my mind a break from its normal overdrive.  I drove Fi to school yesterday bracing myself for a super busy week and giving myself a pep talk about going back to the Portland house to stay during the week.

Although I did not sleep great Sunday (I call this Sunday night insomnia, you know, the one after a relaxing weekend and anticipating Monday?), I still biked to work yesterday.  I was going to go up to the mountain to ski today, so prepped all my stuff last night.  We were in bed early as we were exhausted from a crazy day. I actually was sleeping well. Well, as well as I do. Which means I wake often but go back to sleep easily vs the shit that makes my brain stay up when I don’t. That all went away at 430.

I am an animal lover until I am not. Last year, I had rats in my crawlspace. They destroyed the insulation which I then had to replace. They are the most disgusting and vile creatures in the world when trying to take up residence in your home. We heard them again at 430. I woke up with a start, recognized the noise and groaned. I went into the bathroom, tried to figure out where it was coming from, then it went quiet. I figured, ok, I am going to try and go back to sleep, I need to if I am going to go ski.  I think I did go back, only to be woken up again 20 minutes later. We realized it was coming from the ceiling area. I threw on shoes and stormed out of the house wanting to kick some ass. Well, no. But I wanted to see if I saw anything. Of course I didn’t, it was about 5am, dark, and if anything, I looked like an intruder walking around with my flashlight. I went back dejected, defeated and wanting to cry. I crawled back in bed and cuddled with my honey.

Which brings me to the title. Catastrophizing. It is a fancy word used in psychology when a thought goes haywire and you imagine the worst possible outcomes. That is a loose translation.  At 5am until what felt like 635 my mind did some pretty horrific catastrophizing. I envisioned all of my new insulation gone.  It probably is not all gone. I imagined 100 + rats in there. It is probably one. I thought about trying to go skiing today, crashing on the mountain because of being exhausted, crashing my car, because of guess, what, being exhausted.  I imagined that I would never sleep again and that I was going to feel like this forever.  I envisioned hearing that noise again and running into the bathroom and yelling maniacally “get the fuck out of my house” at them. And once I got in there, just standing there staring and numb because I was so tired.

That is about 5% of the crap that went on in my brain in that hour. When my alarm went off at 645, I felt dizzy, nauseous, and wrung out. No way could I go ski. I tried to go back to sleep, couldn’t, looked at Facebook and saw a memory of Bella and I from 2013, and got mad. Like really mad. I got mad at Jesse. Again, we are not talking about my rational being engaged. I got mad at him for not reaching out like we talked about, I got mad at his brain deceiving him, blaming me for it all, and his brain telling him there was no other way but to kill Bella then himself. I got mad at what he did, what he did to my sweet, beautiful girl. I got mad at the last images I have of her. I got mad being ripped from my life and having to pack up my life and move. You have read my struggle with it. You have heard me say in the same breath that I am so so grateful to have a place to live, but also that it has also been double edged. I have not ever felt at ease, at peace here. I know that because the place in Vancouver I do.  I got mad, because I am so tired, so very tired of this constant struggle to counteract all the shit in my head and body. I got mad because where my brain went is, well, this is what you get for letting your guard down and relaxing and thinking you you actually might feel human again. Again, no rational engagement in the thinking process, no ability to be able to go to the things that are great in my life. The rabbit hole is all encompassing and the irrational is throwing a party.

Feeling like crap, I did not run like I normally would have to burn the mad off. Instead, I went upstairs and packed up my office and loaded my car and brought it to Vancouver. I cleaned the house. I packed a suitcase. I did the things I could control. I tried to cry and couldn’t. I have kept ridiculously busy to keep the catastophizing at bay.

As you can tell, I am not in the most fantastic of brain spaces. Luckily, the rational part of my thinking has re-engaged, which helps combat the irrational. I feel the wrung out and depleted one experiences from not sleeping. I know that it will pass. This level of bad always does. But damn if I am not mad for knowing that it will come again 🙁

2/18/13

part of my relaxation over the weekend