Another Christmas past. Driving over to Bend from Portland on Saturday, so many emotions swirled through my head as we passed over the snow filled mountains.  I was in the passenger seat watching the snow come at us sideways, grateful we left when we did and that we had AWD. 

I vacillated between sadness and anger, weighing more towards the former.  I forget. You wouldn’t think I would, but I forget how charged this holiday is for me. As you have seen over the past couple of weeks, I have intellectually acknowledged it, but that is but one part. The other sneaks in and festers, boiling up with its emotional recourse often astonishing me with its intensity.

I noticed Christmas Eve evening, I was edgy, irritable, exhausted. I should know by now that is just the anger I have within that my would be eight year old is not with me.  It is like this fuzzy thing that lives within, not totally in focus to recognize it for what it is. I fell asleep with these emotions swirling, wanting to escape from them, hoping sleep would hit the reset button. It did.  It melted a lot of the irritation (which I despise) to a sadness and longing as I came down the stairs Christmas morning.  Because of Raffi, I have the points of reference of what I am missing as Bella would have gotten older.

It ebbed and flowed throughout the day, mostly with me walking around and hugging those close. I know this was all accentuated this year with the loss of my dad. I held those in NY close to my heart as they navigated Christmas without him. I remember that first Christmas without Jesse and Bella. Honestly, I don’t truly remember because I medicated so much those first two because the memories took me down a path that was overwhelming to say the least. I talked briefly to my sister, wishing so much to be able to hug her. I finally wrote my stepmother, who I hold so close to my heart, knowing how much she is hurting, wanting to take the pain away knowing I can’t. I said, I am not going to wish you a merry christmas. I get it, it is not merry and bright and full of happiness. Instead, I am glad you are surrounded by people you love and love you so much.

What else could I say. Three years out, the void is still present, I honestly can say much like everything else in my life, Christmas is complicated, and mostly very very sad for me.  The thing that has carried me and continues to is my friends and family for which I am grateful. Having a husband that understands that it is complicated and loves and holds me tight.  As always, be grateful for the time you get with those you love, because you just don’t know how much time you will get.