It’s complicated, that has been a main theme of this blog. Commercially, holidays, especially Christmas, are a time of celebration and joy, just listen to any Christmas song.  For those who have had loss in their lives, recent or not, it is a time where you are made more aware of that empty space at the table.

Christmas, the past few years, has been torture. It is a time that is magical for kids, and for me, watching my kids experience that magic, was pure joy for me. Since Bella died, I have have dreaded this time of year.  I have gone through the motions for tradition sake, crying as I put up the tree and all her ornaments. I often will look off into the distance wondering what school crafts would be coming home, wondering what it would be like to watch them decorate, make crafts for people, you get the picture. She would have been 8 this Christmas, probably still believing. As usual with that grief, when I actually go there for a split second, my stomach drops, my knees get weak, and I feel like I am slipping into a void. Then I don’t feel. That is the coping mechanism to stop me from going into that void. It is still unreal to me that she is not here.

And this year, I lost my dad. It is three weeks today. Christmas was his favorite. A time where he and his wife would literally fill one of their rooms from top to bottom with presents for everyone. They would often adopt some families as well to shop for. Each year, he would find a special card alongside some stunning piece of jewelry to give to each of us. I have my last years card in my jewelry box and read it each time I go in. Before people arrived, you would find him in the kitchen making his famous clam sauce.  Many years ago, after we ate on Christmas Eve, we would rapidly clear the table and clean up, and he would don a santa hat and hand out presents.  He would repeat it again the next morning.  After dinner each of those days, you would gravitate towards the end of the table where he was at to hear whatever story/adventure he was recalling.  I know this year I would have gotten some kind of “1st Christmas” ornament for getting married.  The emptiness will be felt far and wide with his absence. He would want us to continue the traditions, but it will be different.  Yet another absence in my life.

And. I have to say this is the first time I have not dreaded the holiday. It is the first Christmas for us to celebrate together. I decorated in our new house, figuring out what went where, and am amazed as I drive up seeing the tree in the window.  There is a giddiness that I have as Christmas and the new year approach getting to spend it with him. With Raffi out of school, I get to spend two weeks up here!   I am so at peace and calm here, which helps everything.

So. It leads to this dichotomy within. In one hand, there is this immense loss that does not change, especially around Bella. At any moment, that bottom can fall out and I can end up in a bucket of tears. On the other hand, I have this amazing relationship, a content feeling, a joy. It is both.

Be soft. Hold those who have lost loved ones in a soft space.  Even though they may put on a good face, they may be hurting. They may have joy as well. Know that it can be both within a New York minute. If they fall apart, they may have remembered something of their loved one. They may have been triggered by the weirdest thing. Hug them and hold the space for those complicated feelings. Holidays are often one of the hardest times of year for many people for many reasons. The expectations commercially are just stupid in my humble opinion. Make self care a priority. Reach out to loved ones and tell them they are loved. That is what it is really all about.

Bella’s ornaments