I got a call from my sister a week ago that my dad was not doing well.  Again.  This has been almost a year at this point on and off. He has been in the hospital essentially since September. 

They were going to try a new medication that was a last resort to try and raise his blood pressure so he could continue with dialysis. She said there was a chance that it could backfire and we would know in the morning. It did. I got a call from my brother in law Wednesday morning that he was in ICU and talked with my sister shortly after, she said, get on the plane.  I booked a flight for that evening for Raffi and I. I only hoped that I would get there in time to say goodbye. I did.

I spent Thursday through Saturday evening watching him from dozing to telling his famous stories to the continuous flow of people coming to say goodbye.  There were times he had the nurses in stitches. Some things never change.

I sat there Saturday evening, not wanting to leave, not wanting to say goodbye to him, as it was possible it was for the last time. He said, I’ll see you tomorrow, and I said, no dad, we leave in the morning.  He thought our flight was 7pm.  I saw him bite back the emotion as the tears flowed from my eyes.

His spirit wants to fight to stay alive, his body is not cooperating. He is at as peace as he is going to be with it, yet I cannot imagine the emotions he must be going through. Much like he wants to take the pain from all of us, I want to take that pain from him. I want him to live, but not like he is living right now. He has days to weeks, we just don’t know.

I am devastated. I have no words right now. The hole is a familiar one that I find myself within.  The timelessness and fog that enshrouds me, a heavy blanket that is weighing me down.  The overwhelming sadness. My eyes on the edge of tears.

I am grateful that I got to say goodbye. I didn’t with my mom, I didn’t with Jesse and Bella. It helps. A little. Until I realize very soon, the world will be missing a great man, and the hole in my heart will grow a bit larger.

Raffi holding her grandpas hand