We won’t touch on how I am feeling today, which is so exhausted I am pretty useless. Instead, the moments from my weekend, which was peppered with pure joy. This is unheard of so close to my sweet girls birthday…

I was talking with someone today and she said, you seem off. I said, yeah, I have not been sleeping fantastic, plus Bella’s birthday is next week, so there is that. She just looked at me and said, man, it is a hard few months for you. I forget sometimes. I mean I don’t, but I do.

I was watching the latest season of The Americans last night, it is a really good show if you haven’t seen it.  There is this part where they are in America, then will move to a scene in Russia. The light is interesting between the two, America showing up in bright colors to the contrast of a blue/grey filter in Russia.  My world had that grey filter for so very long after Jesse and Bella died. Things were a dull gray matte, no matter the spectrum of colors that were portrayed in front of me. A little over a year ago, I started seeing snippets of color again, which was probably much like someone who has seen black and white their whole lives seeing color for the first time.  There were even moments of peace sprinkled in here and there. You have probably noticed over the past six months or so, some more reference to both color, peace, and joy mixed in to the pot that holds a whole lot of emotion for me. This weekend was different though.

I have written about this time and time again, anniversaries suck. The leading up is a whole other level of suckage I can’t even describe.  My subconscious reeks havoc on me in so many ways and I live in a perpetual fog and state of exhaustion waiting for whatever flashback or anxiety/panic attack is planned or has ensued. I have learned to expect this and have given myself a whole lot leeway on the expectation front in terms of my to do list. Maribella’s birthday is no exception, and in some cases worse for me. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of her, but I have to keep a safe distance from it less her grief actually surfaces. No, I have not dealt with it. A mind can only do so much before it breaks, and that will be the thing that does it, and I can’t have that. So, bits come through here and there. Often, when I see a rainbow, I think of her.  She usually tried to put as many colors together in an outfit as possible. We saw one this past Saturday while watching a Timbers game, I just stared, thinking of her. There is a point in the game where they sing You are My Sunshine towards the end, where tears flow freely from my eyes, because like so many parents, I used to sing that to her all the time. But for reals, she was like a sunshine, such a positive radiant soul. But then my mind stops itself in its tracks, usually disassociates a bit, then I get numbish. Yeah, suckage and numbish, I am in touch with Webster. Anyways. I just can’t go to the depths that are present when it comes to her. But leading up to our birthdays, hers June 21 and mine June 26, is hard. I remember when she was born looking forward to celebrating with her as she grew up.  I always said she was my early birthday present. Yeah, you can imagine how I feel about my birthday now, add that to the list of bittersweet things in my life.

So, you can imagine my surprise this past weekend when at quite a few points, I had a content peacefulness that was filled with joy. I actually had tears in my eyes sometimes with the emotion around that. Not much gets lost on me as you have probably figured out.  Also, that I hum at a different level of gratitude and appreciation for things. To have these moments so close to my girls birthday is nothing short of amazing.  I can’t imagine it is ever going to be easy, but to know that it is possible to be able to see the color through the gray during this time, to actually have joyful moments, I cannot even begin to say what that does.  It gives hope is what it does. It gives hope for a future less suckier. Yeah, another one for Webster.

Hi Sweet Girl