This is a tough and vulnerable one for me to talk about.  Trust is a big one for a lot of people, and my “baggage” goes back pretty far, again, like so many others, but the tragedy compounded things a million fold.

Today I want to focus mostly on my experience after Jesse and Bella died.  Most who have been reading know, but for those who don’t, on May 8, 2014, Jesse killed our four year old Maribella, then himself, I found them. He was not well, having had a car accident the year prior left him in a lot of pain, then medication/brain wonkiness from the accident landed him in the hospital from a manic episode with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder on top of everything else. I realize after he died, that his main coping mechanism of exercise to deal with this disease that he had his whole life (but was questionable in his mind) was taken away because of the pain he experienced from that car accident. When he got that diagnosis, so many of the challenges we had in our relationship made sense to me, much like a gear shift that had been off one rung and finally clicked into place. There were a lot of ups and downs throughout our relationship, some his stuff, some mine. Some people who have bipolar have challenges with impulse control, because of brain wonkiness, and make some poor choices. After he got his diagnosis, I realized that being empathic, I often knew something was up during these times, I got more controlling asking valid questions, he resisted that, got more secretive with those poor choices, and we argued. At some point the hypo-manic phase would shift (and I did not know that what was happening at the time), leading to sadness and reflection, which he “owned his shit,” an expression we often used in our household, even with the kids. It lead to an erosion of trust over a long period, and after I found out some stuff when he was in the hospital, I was devastated. When he got out, I said, we need to get you stable, then we need counseling to work on us. We never got that chance.

I have had a lot, and I mean a lot of self reflective time over the past three years. I had a tendency to be already like that, but having something like this puts your mind into this overdrive that will not stop. I wanted to understand it all, us, me, him, and the million dollar question that we will never have the complete answer to, why did he do what he did. Within all that, I had to learn to trust myself and others again.

I doubted myself in everything after. The thoughts that ran through my head were, how did I miss this, how can I trust myself to not miss other things?  This is normal after a suicide. I don’t know what normal is after a murder suicide, but I imagine it is similar, except more compounded.  I questioned my ability to work, make all the decisions that needed to be made, as well as my ability to survive. I looked at men with their young children and thought, does that person think about shooting their child then them self too? That one still comes up, thankfully not often now, we won’t even talk about how much that thought messed me up. The person I trusted most in my life did the worst possible thing to break that trust.  Yes, he was sick, yes, his brain broke, but it still happened. We had an agreement to tell each other the truth after he got out of the hospital, and he broke that. And yes, I understand all the whys behind that. And yes, it still hurt. So in my mind played the track, well, if the person you trusted most did this, how can you trust anyone?

That has been the journey these past three years. I have to fight my body and mind on it. My body is in a fight or flight mode all the time, that is the PTSD.  It is really hard to relax. Even when I think I am relaxed, a sudden sound comes out of no where and I can go into a panic attack in seconds.  My mind luckily is a bit more cooperative.  It has taken a loooong time, a lot of CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy), and a lot of self talk to start to regain trust again.  I have had to do this with many facets of my life, work, family, friendships, and when I was ready, dating. Sadly, the first thought that goes through my head is to expect the worst from people, and it takes all the above techniques to reverse that thinking.

Attempting to be in another relationship was the hardest. It is not a stretch to think of the many whys in that. Yes, in any relationship trust takes time and is not a given. I realized I wanted to write about this because I feel like I finally crossed a line of trust that I never thought I would be able to again.  It kinda was a wow moment for me, and that is putting it mildly.  Everyone brings baggage to relationships, and the older you get, the more baggage. I often joke that I have multiple moving vans worth. I have written before I have approached this dating thing over the past year and a half with a no bullshit approach. What you see is what you get, I don’t have time for bullshit or games.  I also have an appreciation and intensity in life because I understand its fragile nature.  Again, this has been a process for me with a lot of fear involved.  I have been dating this amazing person for the last six months, experiencing the most healthy relationship I have ever had. Part of that is the amount of work and self reflection I have done on myself, as well as him. There is an ease within the time we share together that still surprises me. I realized the other day that I trusted him, like really trust. I feel like I can be me, no hesitation like I normally have, I can show up in my joy as well as my grief. Of course we are still learning, that is the amazing thing about a relationship, especially a new one.  And I cannot even begin to express the gratitude, appreciation and astonishment I have. I never thought I would get this again. To able to trust is one of the greatest gifts one can experience, and something never to be taken for granted.