Thursdays. They have not bothered me in a long time, however, last Thursday did. Jesse and Maribella died on a Thursday. For a really long time, much like one does with a newborn (oh, they are blank weeks old), it was, oh, it has been blank weeks since they have been gone. It was a welcome relief when my subconscious gave me a break on that.
However, to go with the theme of these few weeks, I thought it appropriate to talk about last Thursday. As I have talked about before, the subconscious has other plans whether you want it to or not. I was about to begin what turned out to be an absolutely amazing weekend in every way starting with meeting some friends for drinks later that night before flying out to San Francisco the next morning with my boyfriend on our first trip together. I scheduled getting off at 530, which is early for me. After wrapping up some things, I was in the car at 6 heading home. There were looming and dark threatening clouds above, looking like they may open up at any point as I sat in traffic easing my way over the bridge. My heart started racing, breath shortening as I said to myself, ok, why the fuck am I having a panic attack??? It was pretty bad and I wondered if I needed to pull over. Luckily? Hmm. That is almost funny. Luckily, I have had so much practice with these in my day to day, I have learned to fake it and “function.” As I came across the bridge, my heart in my throat, I had an aha moment. My subconscious was at work.
They died on a Thursday. When I got the phone call at 445 that particular day from Raffi’s school saying that Jesse did not pick her up from her after school activity, I freaked out. He did not pick her up the day before, sending me into a frenzy trying to get a hold of him and trying to find someone to grab her from school in the meantime. I finally talked with him at 530 with him saying that he had a migraine and fell asleep. That had never happened before. So, after staying up quite late that night doing research for a patient that was coming in the next day with something serious, we had a heated discussion the following morning (saying that can never happen again we need to get more help, etc.). As that said patient was in my waiting room, you can imagine the panic when I got that phone call yet again. I could not leave and eventually found a friend to pick up Raffi until I got off work shortly after. I kept calling his phone every ten minutes to no avail, and at 550, called my friend and said I was on my way. I am not sure why, but he said, hey, go home first, make sure everything is ok. Which was weird, because they were on the way home. He plays that down, but every time I think of the full weight of that now, after, in perspective, I cry. As I am right now. Because I would have had Raffi with me if I picked her up on the way home. Anyways, I was in my car at 6 as I called one last time with no response. The thing is, I was stuck in similar traffic at the same time, with the same sky above.
The subconscious. As the flowers are blooming, there is pollen falling, the wind whirling it around until the rain tampers it down into a yellow green sheen on the pavement. The sun in the sky playing with shadows as it does every year at this time, clouds playing with said sun and light, puffy in their bright white against a bright blue sky or dark ominous ways about to dump rain, my subconscious is hard at work making associations, putting me into an even more heightened flight or fight mode, a delicate tension playing underneath making me prepared for the worse. It sucks. There is not much more that I can do, and that is already a lot, to counterbalance it all. I keep pushing forward, not liking, yet acknowledging the subconscious as it plays out in my body and becomes conscious, a tenacious relationship at best. There is no point in fighting it, I have learned that does not work, nor is healthy. So I continue to forge ground, learning as I go, knowing now the leading up is so hard in so many ways, consciously and subconsciously, navigating with the numerous tools I have gathered, acquiring new ones as they present themselves, awaiting the mark in time that changed my life forever.
