It never stops. Well, there are pauses at times, much like when you are watching a movie at home and pause it to pee. But otherwise, it is a movie reel that goes continuously in your head. There are times it is louder, more clear, others a low hum in the background. 

This past weekend, I had a reminder of this. We wanted to find the half time show with Lady Gaga, and after (comically) finally figuring out which channel it was on, we waited. She came on dazzling (as usual) and started with “God Bless America” then transitioning into “This Land is Your Land.”  So far so good. Then she started singing “Poker Face.” I lasted ten seconds, I think. I got up, said I was going into the other room until it was done. Was I OK? I said no, I am not, I will explain it later, you keep watching. I went into the other room, was shaking as I was attempting to distract my mind with writing testimony I am giving tomorrow for a proposed senate bill regarding suicide prevention. After the half time show was done, he came in the room and I told him the why. A specific chapter in the never ending fucking movie reel that came into sharp focus for me. Back track to summer 2013, Jesse reached out via Facebook and said, hey, I want to introduce the girls to powerful female singers, do you have any suggestions?  He took all of those suggestions, put them on thumb drives and played them constantly in the car as he was taking them various places. Lady Gaga was one of them and Poker Face being catchy, caught the attention of Bells. There is a video of her singing along to it. Well, not all the words, she hums most, but gets into the chorus in a four year who has mad entertaining skills kind of way. That is the movie reel that ran in my head in that moment. I said, I could have probably stayed and watched it, but would have been a blubbering mess (as I was quite teary when I said even that).

I wonder at times where on earth does this constant movie reel get the energy to keep going. Then I am reminded that I am tired all the time and say a duh to myself. I can’t make them stop. I don’t know when and where they are going to get sharp and clear in my head. I don’t know what my reaction will be when that happens. For someone who tries vainly to control so much as a result of all control being stripped away in a single moment, it is infuriating. I have mentioned before how much so. It is interesting, Jesse said in March 2014, less than two months before he died, that “humans are at the mercy of their circuitry.” He was quite depressed and hopeless at that point. I get it though, now more than ever. Sadly.

There are of course things I do when this happens. You learn quickly. You can’t be constantly stopping and crying randomly. I mean you can, I certainly have, but that gets old. As you have read in previous blogs, I am the queen of distraction, that has been a helpful way of dealing. If I am with people I feel safe to share with, I will. I am a big fan of self care. I ask my patients everyday, what are you doing for self care? I think it is important to establish a list of these that you can just pull from automatically, not something you have to think about too much. It is important as when you are really stuck in one of those reels, perhaps one of the more emotional ones, you can’t think clearly. So, if it is a “healthy habit” you don’t have to think.

Acceptance. That is a hard one for me. Acceptance that these reels won’t ever end, and I don’t want them to.  Though I could do without what I walked into that day, and a lot of other things, I would not want to lose the “good” memories, as bittersweet as they are, and they are so much so.  Some days when I am off, tired, grumpy, and I don’t know why, I am sure it is some subconscious movie reel or processing going on, I just have to accept it. Please don’t get me wrong, some days I want the lobotomy, I want to forget it all, I want to be in the sanatorium, rocking in the chair with drool coming out my mouth onto my chin because it is so fucking painful. But then I would lose Raffi too, and I need to stick around for her. And I need to stick around to do the advocacy work I am doing regarding suicide prevention. I need to give the help, support, and hug to the person who lost someone to suicide. I need to travel the world with my story to help others. I need to also live. There are so many reasons not to. Yes, you read that right.  If you were in my head for a minute, you would understand that statement. And. And, I cannot emphasize this enough, there are so many reasons to stay and fight those reasons. For all the above, and most of all for me. I realize with these movie reels that utter happiness is not in my cards, but moments where the pause button is hit and those reasons to live creep in, is golden, and is that ray of sunshine that I forgot existed. That ray that warms me from the inside out. That ray that I appreciate more than the average person. They are creeping in more and more. I even dare say, have hope at times (knocking on wood not to jinx that one!). So I continue on this unknown journey, figuring it out as I go, no manual in hand, movie reels running their path in my head, and me accepting that as my new normal.