Thomas Joiner, MD has an amazing book called “Why Do People Die by Suicide.” He proposes many theories on the why.  People who die by suicide have a desire to die and have overcome the natural instinct we all have for self-preservation.  With that desire, he found two things often occurred:  there is a perception of being a burden to others and a social disconnect to something larger than oneself (a sense of isolation). Combine that with an acquired capacity, learned ability, or fearlessness, you have someone with a very elevated risk of suicide. 

Keep in mind that word perception.  It is important, as it is how the person views oneself, not necessarily what the world sees.  How often when someone dies by suicide do we say, wow, they had so much going for them, or I can’t believe this happened, they were so accomplished, etc. That person often feels they are worth more dead than alive. They lost their sense of purpose. I got thinking about this more today and wanted to talk about that concept and my process of grief.

I can’t speak for Jesse, but I will share with you some of my theories and beliefs around his suicide.  Jesse had many talents, one of which was his strength, which he would happily boast about and demonstrate. Exercise was a huge part of his life for multiple reasons. One of the many was to balance out his brain chemistry.  He was also super smart. You would always want him on your trivia team.  In fact, I think my niece texted him during a trivia game to get a few random answers. After the car accident, he was in so much pain physically, which then tied into emotional. After getting a partial permanent disability diagnosis at the age of 33, he was disheartened. He got himself (with guidance from his doc) off the painkillers he was prescribed and then went into a manic episode (his first).  After getting a Bipolar 1 diagnosis, alongside the pain in his body that was overwhelming (which very well may have been his new reality of everyday), I believe he gave up. I remember Bella going up to him and asking to get picked up, him trying, and yelping in pain then having to be on an ice pack for hours after. This was not the man who I met who I have a picture of picking both Raffi and I up at the same time.  He felt like a burden (not true), he felt like he was worth more dead than alive (not true), he isolated himself from friends and family, and he had the means and know how. Knowing what I know now…hindsight.

I have told people time and time again, I get it. After living through the emotional hell I have lived the past almost three years, I understand the mental space he was in.  I have had all the above thoughts. I have felt like I am a burden. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought my daughter would be so much better off without a completely fucked up mother. I love her, there is no doubt about that. But the times where I am on the floor sobbing uncontrollably and she is the one comforting me fills me with a guilt that I cannot even express. I worry that I am a burden to my friends and family, that they get sick of having to listen to my sadness, anxiety, ptsd, and my inability to do life at times. I worry that I am not good at my job anymore. Depending on where I am mentally/emotionally, is to how much of a spiral any of the above can go. My rational mind eventually kicks in to dispel all the above.  The kicking in can be within minutes, but has taken days. When it takes days, that sense of isolation starts to kick in.  I am lucky that I have a core group of people to be on the lookout for that and check in. Not everyone has that. I get it. I get that the mental/emotional pain can be so great that it can override the innate desire to live.

What can you do with all of that you may ask?  There are no manuals. You don’t get to connect to The Matrix to download instructions on how to “live” when your husband shoots your child then himself and you find them. After, Raffi was my anchor, my reason to live, still is. But that has expanded. When I went back to work, I was reminded that my patients need me. Then, very soon after, I made a decision, a decision that has changed the path of my life dramatically. I decided that I would not let their death be in vain, I went into advocacy work around mental health and suicide awareness.  I started doing public speaking, I started my blog, this very blog that you are reading dear reader. I am now on the Suicide Prevention Alliance for the State of OR. I was just in Salem today for a workforce development committee meeting. I was at a meeting around possible legislation that Rep. Keny-Guyer is trying to propose last week alongside a continuity of care committee meeting. I feel like I am finally able to contribute to all the above. My goals are to do more and more public speaking (let me know if you are aware of any opportunities), write a book, continue to give feedback and testify for the above proposed legislation and see it pass (ie. laws around suicide prevention). And yes, I plan on Washington at some point. It is my sense of purpose, my sense of a “belongingness” to something larger than me.  I do not want anyone to have to feel this pain, and they should not have to, because if I have learned nothing else, suicide is preventable, and it is my goal to make it so. #ZeroSuicide

OR state capitol