Portland, OR does not usually get a lot of snow. Last Tuesday into Wednesday it got a foot.  You have to understand that two inches usually shuts the city down (yes, I know that is ridiculous). Raffi and I were going to NY on Thursday, and quite nervous about the ability to fly, but we managed to go and come back in the perfect windows as today we got ice, again (we got back late last night). Coming back to this still present winter wonderland got me thinking, reminiscing, and wistful a bit. I have had writers block all day. This is not something that usually happens, I am blaming it on the jet lag. Going back to grad school, I have developed all the normal avoidance things to keep from writing a thesis/studying for a test/doing a project that was due the next day.  I pulled these out today and greeted them like an old friend. I cleaned my fridge out, put away everything from the trip, and even got out different colored sharpies and color coded our new calendar with all the different weekly things we do. I looked at my schedule and sent an email trying to coordinate a couple of upcoming weekends. I even opened up quickbooks to balance out the last part of 2016.

Back to the snow, reminiscing, and writers block. I had no idea what to write about today, looked outside, and decided to write about what was in front of me.  I got to play alongside my daughter Raffi last Wednesday in the snow.  I love snow, I hate that our city can’t handle it, but that is another conversation altogether. I have written about this before, but it is worth talking about again.  Bittersweet with a slice of guilt are the words that comes to mind when I think about all the things I try to be present for with Fi since Bella died.  I never get to just enjoy and celebrate the things Raffi has done and accomplished.  Everything that Raffi has done since then, I imagine her sister alongside her.  I imagine the times she was there and then the things she did not get to do. Bells adored and idolized Raffi. Thinking about them going from the normal fighting to Raffi giving Bells her stuffed animal to sleep with because she didn’t feel good gets me into one of those spaces that is raw beyond what words can describe. Raffi was not supposed to be an only child. And now she is because of the worst possible circumstances. So when I see her playing in the snow by herself, I cannot help but to think of Bells playing alongside her. I know she misses her so much (and that is not even touching that sentiment properly). Then I think of the last major snow storm Portland had and how Bells finally was old enough to get into it and have fun. We went sledding one day, then the next walked around looking with wonder at the snow and ice formations in our neighborhood. With our busy lives, we often do not get the chance to walk alongside our children and look with the innocent wonder at things like that. I am lucky to have had that time with her that day. I think about all the times I said, not now, another time. Oh, the things you wish you could change. Bells was the most joyous child. Filled with laughter, spunk, and giddy-up. She was my sunshine, and there is always a part now that is gray without her.

I am going to stop here, to go down the path of memories with her opens up that never-ending void of despair I avoid with a ten foot pole, and I can’t blame these feelings on the jet lag.  I have said time and time again, I don’t know if I will ever fully deal with her grief, it is too vast.  The pain is like your skin peeled off and doused with lemon the few times I have “gone” there momentarily. So, instead, I will share some pictures and a video from that day we did get to play in the snow, just a mere three months before she died.