Monthly Archives: January 2017

New Ground Forged

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I almost named this one anniversaries part 2.  Jesse would have been 37 this past Saturday. I posted on my Facebook wall the day prior how much I hated anniversaries. Well, it may have said how much I fucking hated anniversaries, but details. I was with some friends the week prior,  and one of my dearest was having her 50th birthday party this past Saturday. She and her husband both asked if I was coming.  All I had to reply was that it was Jesse’s birthday, and they nodded, gave me a squeeze, knowing that I needed to be alone. Continue reading →

A Sense of Purpose

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Thomas Joiner, MD has an amazing book called “Why Do People Die by Suicide.” He proposes many theories on the why.  People who die by suicide have a desire to die and have overcome the natural instinct we all have for self-preservation.  With that desire, he found two things often occurred:  there is a perception of being a burden to others and a social disconnect to something larger than oneself (a sense of isolation). Combine that with an acquired capacity, learned ability, or fearlessness, you have someone with a very elevated risk of suicide.  Continue reading →

Snow and Memories

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Portland, OR does not usually get a lot of snow. Last Tuesday into Wednesday it got a foot.  You have to understand that two inches usually shuts the city down (yes, I know that is ridiculous). Raffi and I were going to NY on Thursday, and quite nervous about the ability to fly, but we managed to go and come back in the perfect windows as today we got ice, again (we got back late last night). Coming back to this still present winter wonderland got me thinking, reminiscing, and wistful a bit. Continue reading →

Grief has made me stupid

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I really can’t blame it all on grief.  It started with grad school, 3 1/2 years, all year round, and a 60 page masters thesis.  I remember talking with a friend who graduated with me two years out, and she asked if I felt like my brain function was worse since grad school, to which I replied with a resounding YES!  Then there were the children.  With each one, I joked that the placenta and brain got mixed up on the way out. Yes, I know, gross.  But seriously, true. Continue reading →

Anxiety and Dating

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Last week I wrote about anxiety and lack there of. I have learned, and some may call this morbid, that I can not count on one thing or another with myself to last too long in that department.  The challenge with PTSD is it never goes away and has this intimate dance alongside of anxiety. I recently read the title of an article called “high functioning anxiety.”  My response was a hmfph, I got me some of that. I don’t stop. Well, that is not true.  I have taught myself to.  It is of course “scheduled” down time, god forbid I just allow it, right?! One of the ways I “deal with/manage/live with” the running movie reel in my head is to do and distract. When the PTSD and anxiety is particularly bad, you can count on me to ramp things up on my to do list. Continue reading →