I saw “Arrival” last night (if you have not seen it, there are some spoilers, not many, but some). My dear friend of course “prepared” me as much as possible, as she often does.  Any time I am about to see a movie that she has seen that has potential triggers for me, she gives me a synopsis for which I am grateful. It does not mean I will not react, but at least there is some preparation, some walls that I can put around the over-reactive trauma that lurks in my brain, waiting to pounce at any given moment. There is a young girl that dies in the beginning, she is probably about 14?  That of course is a trigger, but honestly not so much, as she died of cancer, and was older than Bella. What got me were the flashes the main character had of this girl from birth to when she died. There were many flashes of her around 3-7 years old. This. This is what got me. I explained later that was what it was like for me with Bells. She is always there.  I can always bring her to the forefront of my brain, or she comes crashing through on her own. I get these flashes, these memories of her, little movies that play in my brain.  Sometimes it is in response to something that makes sense for it to do so, sometimes it is not.  Depending on the intensity, results in how much crying is involved. I have said before dear readers, her grief is in a vault, I have compared it to the vaults deep in Gringotts bank (from Harry Potter). Trust me if you haven’t seen it, the vaults are impenetrable. Over the past two and a half years, that door has opened a few scance times, I feel like an inch, and it brings me to my knees, with the response of “I can’t do this.” Literally. I have said several times to my counselor is that my fear is that I will be committed if the door actually opens.  I know, with what I do for a living, how important it is to process emotions, how they can get stuck in the body if you don’t.  That being said, I also wonder, based on the horrific way this beautiful innocent being was ripped away from the fabric of this planet, if I will ever. I had another dear friend say something similar to me.  He said, Steph, I know we say to our patients all the time that you need to “deal/process” these emotions, but I have been thinking, I don’t know if you will ever be able to with her (meaning Bella).  What he said to me that day, has bounced around in my head, often after that door has opened an inch leaving me on the floor, writhing in a pain so deep, so intense, wishing anything that I could be with her. I of course get back up. I have to. But there is this abyss, this unknown,of what happens when the door opens, what lies on the other side.  That. That terrifies me. I know I am strong, I have proven that time and time again, much to my amazement at times. Everyone has a breaking point though. So for now, my sunshine stays locked in that vault.

I wrote this May 31, 2016

What is this feeling
this sensation of 
tears welling in my eyes
as i listen to this music,
never hearing it before
it should not affect me?
yet, these tears threaten
further thoughts
of my beautiful girl
my sunshine
my heart breaks open
yet again
this light gone
the reality
the life i created
my breath
taken
the ship sinking
under the waves
crashing all around it
a storm out of no where
yet
numb within
as tears arise
hoping
praying
to counteract 
the ocean waves
drown them
stifle them
to survive
how can you otherwise
how can you
with the visions
that you are constantly
trying to erase
my heart skips a beat
hoping to restart
get away
how can i breathe
with you gone
yes,
of course you are "here"
in a way
we never die
but seriously
fuck that
fuck that a million times over
when all you want
is to hold your child again