I wrote this on July 4, 2016 while sitting in a pine forest, watching the animals flit about and came across this tiny, determined ant climbing straight up this huge tree…

an ant climbing a full grown pine
like my struggle 
to get through the days
with the complexity of my emotions
i've learned to distance
away from them
the basics sometimes taking so much
time and energy
where does it go
the subconscious robbing
like a blind thief
in the night
my meager reserves
adrenaline continuously
pumping through
nonstop for 2+ years now
trying to live
not just exist
find moments of joy
hopping rock to rock within the pond
unsteady underfoot
avoiding waters unknown
these moments of pure peace and joy
so infrequent
i am like a drowning vicitm
fighting for a breath
give me more
addictive like heroin
coursing endorphins
through me
seeking that high
anywhere and how
dangerous lines 
needing to watch
be diligent
wanting to let go
be caught
and cared for
realizing yet again
it must come from within
the resolve to live
unknown path
varied terrain
adapting
changing
striving to hold on
to those 
few and precious times
of the calm ocean
before the stormy waves
of reality
come crashing into your psyche
threatening
to crumble down 
these precarious moments 
holding me together
grasping to hold on